Jekyll And Hyde

Recently i have been going through episode after episode feeling although I am not in my own body through depersonalisation. Losing all self control. Absolutely ashamed of what I did tonight. I haven't cut in a good while, i don't remember doing it, it's a blur. I now have re-opened several of my scars. I lost it and told someone very close to me that i wish they had died. I don't remember doing it. The medication doesn't seem strong enough any more. I can't cry, I can't get angry, i can't just be happy. Any emotion I seem to have these days just merges into weeks. I can't be bothered with people, I want to be alone. That can't happen because those closest to me notice. I don't want them too.
This time of year is for being all cheery and smiley, usually i can do it. But not when i'm scared of myself.
My attempt at death failed 5 years ago, I am glad of that in a way but it seems I am being punished for what I have done.
There is no point in telling those closest to me how i feel, they either tell me "It'll get better" or think i want to hear them dismiss what i say and talk about themselves.
Few people have seen my other side, those who have, have been scared, never mentioned it again or sent me to the hospital. But she's coming out so much more and i'm trying to contain her.
It's not voices in my head, it's a complete personality change, the increased heart rate and forgetting what's real and what's not.
Many call it stress, many can't understand it but i am angry, emotionless and feel ruthless in my mind to the point where I will push everyone away in a test.
I've had my trust broken, been back stabbed and made a mug of too many times and so many more things that I cannot explain.
I don't know why I am ranting on here. it won't make a difference when I can't understand it myself. That's if my "self" still exists.
butterfly789 butterfly789
22-25, F
Nov 26, 2012