She Will Always Be Distant

So after 2 years and 4 months
Its no longer me that you want...

Yeah well, i guess i made my mistakes and i know you'll still be there as a friend, you said so yourself
But you also said my time is up. if i don't take my roots and plant them in richer soils, you are forever lost to me

Great well i ******* waited and waited and waited and jumped through every god damn hurdle imaginable, i made massive sacrifices and i gave everything away just to please your undeserving ***. You don't call or write, you fake communication, and you haven't talked to me since july. You NEVER come to me. I am always forced by your manipulative nagging to come see you. You make me feel like i have to change everything i am in order to qualify to your standards, whatever the **** they are. curious, if you had standards, why is your '*** hag' life style is so much more immensely important that even bothering to remembering me. i cant sleep. i cant stop thinking about you. i had a kind heart for you and Genuinley cared about you. i listened intently to every word you said every single night for 3 hours or more, respectful and loving as always, even when i had to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to work for the next 16 hours, talking on the phone until 3 in the morning. always cared about what you had to say, always felt good that you were putting me to sleep everynight.

The mad hatter said to alice 'youve lost your muchness"
thats what i would say about you. nowadays you always play it so ******* safe, you cant be bothered to DARE to go out at night. (with me anyways)
but of course its not a problem when you go with like 6 of your gay friends from university. they get more action from your sluttyness recently then any action ive gotten in the last year, and weve been long distance for almost 2 and a half years....
so why the **** do you get to wave your good time in my face and brag about other men like they are so hot that you must feel some obligation to **** them. oh thats right, they are gay so thats the only thing holding you back. oh, right because on the other hand, having boyfriend DOESN'T hold you back. hes the one that wants to be with you, not them.
i never tell you during my days about how bad ide **** hot girls i see, lord knows i would if i didnt have some sort of sick loyalty to you. i refrain from checking out other girls, flirting with them. youll just get jealous and all up in my ****. OH BUT I CANT/SHOULDNT DO IT TO YOU CUZ YOUR SENSITIVE!
well you better hurry the **** up and realize you keep pulling on other peoples heartstrings, not giving a crap how bad your hurt your partner. I WAS YOUR ******* PARTNER and i cant understand this retarded behaviour of my female companion.
no one said long distance was easy but i wonder why it makes me angry to call you my companion anymore. you dont even act interested in me anymore. let me guess, you wanted your quick **** and hot lust in the begining but now your bored, is that it? hmm, maybe not, because we waited 1.5 years to have sex. YUP THATS RIGHT FOLKS SHE WAITED 18 MONTHS BEFORE SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH ME. yeah i pretty much got ******* whipped there.
well i hope this bridge completely burns to ashes, because youve changed and i dont know if i want to love you anymore. maybe offering an explanation would cheer me up a bit, but you never include me in your life when you said thats what you needed. your breaking my heart and im 60 ******* miles away, but god knows every person and there dog has more priority halfway around the world where your vacationing or always leaving up north. its always them, and never me, and it always has been. its getting harder and harder for you to change my mind.
seeing as i never get to speak my mind, and if i ever actually said  this to you, i would feel guilt. now i dont want to, and this is what i truly feel = i feel like im being cheated on for your homosexual friends. not putting the gay community down but yes, you kick dirt on me and cover me up and you probably dont even wear the promise ring i bought you when your around them. well thats fine, you might as well leave it at home from now on. or in its box, tucked in the deepest, darkest corner of i dont give a **** where, because if your so easily capable of moving on then as will i be. i wanted a future with you, and you had a great guy, but this 'great guy' sits alone under the stars watching meteor showers or goes out with family and they ask 'wheres your girlfriend', or you get invited to our camping trips or parties or events, and my only response to that question is ' oh shes got better things to do, she wouldnt want to be here.

now that ive typed out some of my thoughts, the more i realize what a ****** situation ive been dealt. my last girlfriend wouldnt communicate with me after 2 years, looks like you just took an extra 4 months.

so now that im extremely happy (/sarcasm) that ive wasted 4 years, 4 months on 2 stupid women in particular, im wondering how long before i officially end this with you, whether you smarten up  or whether you try and slither back into my arms, of which the 3 circumstances in which i dont think i want to stand you or put up with you anymore - what then? have i reached the end?

if relationships are built on trust then why did i trust her with a 200$ circular peice of **** that she doesnt deserve. weve spent tonnes of time together but here i am at home alone and havent seen her in 2 months, havent heard from her in 2-3 weeks. she will always be distant

i ask you, dear readers, if this is the set of feelings that you feel for your companion when they are - perhaps overseas or otherwise...

i dare her to cheat, i really do,because right now it would give me perfect incentive to forget the past and get on with my life, perhaps be with a person that i can physically spend time with on a semi daily basis. how do you love people anymore when you dont know what you love about them anymore? is there such a thing as being gone for too long? have i had enough?

furthermore i would like to apologize, this is my first story/post and i really needed to get words off my chest. i know i am a good person, i have no intentions of hurting anybody in any form anytime but im getting mad at how caged i feel. if i were truly in a cage i would scream obscenitys and curse the world, bite the hand that feeds until someone puts me out of my misery. i would much rather have some form of freedom then be caged forever...

i hope you good people understand. i dont mean to hurt, only talk, and that is what i came here to do. if you couldnt handle it, thats fine, but since shes no longer there to listen, i truly want to know who is out there, that might be, maybe, just maybe is listening, reading words of others and understanding.

i will never find the right girl in life - love, sacrifice and being a gentleman on my part is cursed. once your cursed it feels like you could never set a bar for your next love. 
sorry for the swears, its my first time, im angry and i didnt know theyd be bleeped *****

danko jones - full of regret (great artist, yet he seems to be talking about me in this song!)
Marasune Marasune
18-21, M
Aug 13, 2010