Pretty Low Self Confidencet

(pardon my weak english, i`m Malaysian and needed to work on my vocabulary ;) 
see, i am never the beauty queen, i`m not the average size girl too. hence, i`m the plus size girl that most guys disgusted.
my life story is, i have been this way since i was born, when i was a little bit younger, its kinda hard to grow up being this way,
so instead, i went tomboy, acting like a boy, dressing up like one, cutting my hair to short enough people hardly notice that i am a girl.
so by growing up like that its easy for me to blend in with others, people don`t treat me like a girl, they treat me like a boy. likewise, all my friends were
all boys back in the days. so when i moved to another new school, i started mixing up with the girls, and i started to grew my hair longer, but yet my attitude is pretty much the same, rough like a guy. so by the years goes by, i saw my friends (girl) having a boyfriend, she bragged so much on how good it felt to have one, which that time boyfriend is the last thing that ever crossed my mind. again, a little tiny whisper in my heart says that i am envy of her.
but i let the thought flew away, lol. and when i was 16 or was it 17, i started having crushes on guys, i like so many guys i couldnt remember, i`m sorta weirdo, lol. but i don`t know how to reach a guy, till i use my way of being kinda tomboy to be near them, and we talk about guy stuff, and again, they treated me like i am one of them, i mean, its not a surprise, why would any guy like a girl like me, i was never pretty in their eyes, hence, i was never thin.
i had this crush on a guy, we wrote letters back then, it happened when i was 16, and by that i feel so comfortable with him, we start exchanging contact number, we would text each other, but we never met, how pathetic my life is. every time i text him about my future life that i wanted to live my life with him, he`s doing the silent treatment. and after months, he said he loves me. i don`t know, i seems can`t let him go, its been 6 years now, i`m still holding on to him after so many years. we hardly talk, hardly text, the last photo he mms me was 2 years ago, yet i still do love him.
see, i comfort myself by not thinking about it much, but when the night reach i started to think about it and i would cry so bad.
still, i love this dude, but come to think of it, my 2011 resolution is to get a life and forget him, i sent him a text while ago saying its now or never, if you still want me, text me, if not, i`ll get out of your life, i think i never was in his life, lol. 
okay, thats another story. this one happened while i was taking my diploma in Polytechnic.
i took MUET with couple of my friends in the same department, MUET stands for Malaysian University English Test
i never notice anyone in the class, but then i started to notice this guy, because of his HAIR, lol
i got a thing with fancy hair dude, plus he`s tall and fair, he`s everything in a guy i could have dream of
so, i didn`t get his name until the last semester, which we had to leave campus and the chance of meeting is like NEVER.
oh by the way, he COPIED my paper in the MUET, and so do i, lol
so i though we could be friends, he seems, pretty nice back then, still at that point,i didnt know his name, i`m playing it cool, hahaha.
so i was saying, by the time i got his name is when the last semester reached, we would never see each other again, because we came from different places of course. and so i got his Facebook account, and his cell`s number.
he called me ONCE, and thats it, oh and he text me ONCE too, so i added him on Facebook thinking we could be more than friends,after all he is single, and i`m single, so i have nothing to lose, but the thing is, he`s kinda the ladies man.
he hardly reply me on Facebook, so i know now that i don`t have what it takes, i might as well forget about him but i couldnt.
and now we never spoke to each other, its a bummer. 
i mean, i should have known, that a girl like me, who am i kidding. so the stories end, but i still stalk on him on Facebook :)
i don`t know what to expect from people, because my life is pretty much clueless, i do want that guy in my life super badly,
but its like wanting Brad Pitt to marry me. how pathetic my love life is. i wish i ever in real love, i would love to experience it once.
what should i do? 
amey2828 amey2828
22-25, F
Jan 1, 2011