Today......I cried. Four days ago I lost my cousin to an overdose of Coke and Methadone. I loved him so much. I'm just so angry that this happened. We all thought he had been doing so well this time around. I miss him so much now. I look back now and tell myself I should have spent more time with him. Visited him more, called more, spent less time out with friends and more time trying to catch up with him when he was in town. And I'm not in my home state, so I won't even be able to say my goodbyes. I just...I don't even know what to say when it comes to my cousin. I don't have words to express my anger, my grief, my confusion.
And a few weeks ago, my grandmother also passed away. I feel partly to blame for my grandmother's death. While my mother was away on a trip, I was to watching over my grandmother. That first day, I should have gone to see her before work, but I chose not to, Simply because I didn't want to, and when I got off work, I couldn't get into her apartment. I panicked, called 911, and had the police come and help me to get in. We found her face down at the kitchen table. She overdosed on anti-anxiety pills. She woke up once we got her to the hospital, but she never truly came back. I watched her like a hawk afterwards, but the damage had already been done. Once my mom came home, my grandmother was transfered to another hospital, and the doctors told us they were only there to keep her comfortable. When I went to visit her, to say goodbye because I was leaving California for the summer, the last thing I heard from her was her screaming down the hallway, begging for us to please take her home. And about two weeks after I came out to Minnesota, I got a call saying she had passed away.
Today. Now today, I called my father(whom has been leagally divorced from my mother for about a year now), to talk to him, tell him I love and miss him, and to tell him about my grandmother and cousin passing away. Since he and my mom have been separated, though, he has decided he hates my mom and her family. But today, when we talked about it, he told me that he was upset because I hadn't called him the days of my grandmother and cousin's deaths to tell him about it. I just couldn't believe that he was truly angry with me for not having told him, when he had told me before that he didn't like my grandmother and had never appeared to care about my cousin. I argued that he was being selfish for being angry with me, that it was a hard thing to talk about, and told him that I didn't understand why he was angry with me for it anyway. He told me that he simply felt like he wasn't apart of our(mine and my sister's) lives anymore. Mind you, we've made every effort we could make him feel included in our lives, but he's the one who has decided that he can't call us on our cellphones(because "it's just too stressful" he says), he's the one who decided he couldn't go to my niece's first birthday party(because my mom and all of her family would be there).
And if grieving over my grandmother and a cousin weren't bad enough, and my father making me feel horrible for not being able to talk about it, he then started going off about how horrible of a person my mother is again. AGAIN. It's such a....a....ridiculous, for lack of a better word, situation, to listen to your father bad mouth your mother, when you know very well that HE was the bad guy in the ralationship. HE was the one who abused her mentally, verbally, and physically. HE was the one who refused to get a job, so she had to provide for the entire family, but she wasn't allowed to spend HER money on anything for herself. But no, it was never enough.
So, today I cried. I cried for my grandmother, who never got to come back home. I cried for my cousin, who never got the chance to reach his full potential. I cried for my father, who is so at war with himself, he is forced to live in his delusions. I cried for the rest of my family, whom are all also grieving. And I cried for myself, for being so far away when all I want is to be close to my family again.