Couldn't Help It

it was a rush of emotions that hit me at the worst time. it wasn't the 1st time though. when my husband & i were having sex. it is difficult for me to finish (or ******), so when we have sex i am only concerned w/ him finishing.
he was taking his time with me, trying to help me finish. i couldn't: i was so tense over wanting too because it has been so long, and all the frustration of having not finished in such a long time. after about 20 minutes, though it felt like a year trying to get me there, i just stopped him. i was even helping myself along, even with him trying to make it happen.
the feelings just started welling up in me & i couldn/t control it. i just wept and sobbed. my husband held me, which i appreciated when i cried.

i think most of it is the shame i have over cheating on him. with 3 men. 3!!
why would i EVER go to those lengths to make some other man feel what my husband & i have together. those are intimate moments that we share...not the 3 other men. why? why did i do that?

the only reasoning i can possibly obtain is that i wasn't happy with our relationship. we didn't talk much, because he was at work. and the amount of time we did communicate it was either over the phone (which i hate) or we would get upset with each other.
i know the last man whom i saw for 3 years filled that void. he was my best only friend. and now since he switched jobs i miss him. not the sexual aspect, i just miss my friend.
i could tell him most things i couldn't tell my husband, and our communication was very open and relaxed. he had a wife and children as well.

its the shame that i will go to the grave with. i feel miserable about not being able to tell anyone, except my counselor. and maybe, just maybe...some friends out there whom i haven't gotten the chance to know.
strangerinacrowd strangerinacrowd
31-35, F
2 Responses Sep 21, 2012

I think there is a reason you did it and your husband may even know.

Maybe writing it out will help you to start finding the answer to why...