Crossdressing Self - Loathing

Crossdressing to me can be a very complicated affair.  i often use it to hide into another world, when my masculine side gets overwhelmed with fears or depression.  My shrink thinks it's brilliant.  i have another name, another handwriting, think about things (like shopping!) quite differently.  It can be a real haven, and i often come out of it when I'm feeling macho and strong.

Sometimes, i'm just using it as an incredible thrill. Talking to macho friends at a bar, wearing thigh-highs and lace panties, and a ring that i had inscribed 'sissy' inside.  Or i go to a shoe store and slip on sandals with my nails painted bright red.  The humiliation is a rush.

But other times, Ii look at myself in a mirror, or after

ive had an ******, i am filled with revulsion from myself.  Often I swear that i will burn everything tomorrow and never do it again.  But of course, i press everything lovingly and can't wait until the next time.  Often, i say to myself, you worthless pig queen!  Look what you have become!

And quite often, of course, i LOVE being a girl, or to be more accurate, a sissy man, neither real girl and definitely not Real Man. 

i am generally very upbeat about the whole thing, often, in fact, considering it a gift from the gods.  i have no trouble accepting someone else's femme side, but from time-to-time I am just disgusted in me. 

I'd love to get some feedback from others, pro or con.  Thank you , my sisters.

Kiss -kiss,

alicia anne

aliciaanne aliciaanne
11 Responses Feb 27, 2009

I am soo glad I'm not the only one that feels this way!! I mean I'm sorry every one has conflict, but at we're not alone! I'm wrestling with all the same issues myself!!

I understand your feeling too. I am kind of tall sporty guy look but love the feel feminine at time too. I like to do things around the house while dress and i think this help with the guilty feeling ... at least for me. I did get rid of everything twice but it is just part of us and did come back to it anyway. i think it was better for me to try to find some balance between my fem side and the rest of the time. And I try to embrace this side of me in my relation with other as a plus in all side of my life.

Honey stay cool accept you like being in panties it is part of you so embrace and enjoy<br />
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The loathing and self hatred is from the conflict of your fem side becoming primary and the male side becomming secondary. You can stop that cycle if you choose, but it takes some work. <br />
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You have to accept that this won't go away, and that you fem side is just part of who you are. When you dress up, don't change out of your clothes after you ******.... Clean up and pull your hose and panties up and go do something else. Watch tv etc... Just do normal things. You enjoy, but stay in your girl clothes. If you start associating your fem side with normal activitles besides sex it becomes very freeing, the shame goes away... The guilt receeds, and the self hatred goes away. <br />
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I have to say having someone accept you and love you regardless of how you dress helps a lot too. <br />
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I now (after doing the above) view my dressing as simply a part of me. I cherish my clothes and my time in them. I wear pantyhose nearly every day so I have a piece of my femininity mixed in with boy mode. I'm also starting to wear panties when I don't wear hose too, again to just feel complete each day. <br />
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Good luck, you can email me if you want to chat more.

I have very similar feelings. I go through intense cycles of loving it and accepting myself, and then hating myself for it all.

I agree with everything written here. Cross-dressing or just being submissive is great for getting relief from the pressures of being a man. I've been dressing more lately because I'm feeling a lot of pressure at work. Like some of the other commenters, I also lose the urge to dress after having an ******. I don't feel shame, just lose the desire some.

Honey, there is no shame in being who we were born to be. I have dressed since my childhood. I have gone through the dress/purge stages many times. I fought the desires inside of me for so long. All that time I was a very fustrated individual. After my divorce ( 18 yrs ago) I started to accept myself and the fact that I was more of a female than male. Accepting, coming out, making friends with other CD's and TV"s, and admirers of girls like us has given me confidence, inner peace, and a lot to look forward in the years to come. I can remember crying because my play time was over and I needed to go back to being a male. I am proud of who I have become and with time, you will be proud as well.<br />
My best to you.

Being transgendered, in what ever catagory, is a gift, it is something you should be proud of, and something you should always find joy in. It is a gift because you have something extra, and special, most men do not have. It is something you should be proud of because it is both a challenge and an accomplishment that sets you above most other people. The feelings of shame and guilt are no more than reflections of other peoples prejudices and shortcomings. Never cater to them much less let them define you. Finally, you should always take joy in it because it is there to bring you a unique happiness and to appreciate it, you must embrace it. You arre soooooooo lucky to be who and what you are! Don't waste it with guilt, self doubt, hate or shame. Celebrate yourself!

i have known for years that right after ****** i have no desire to be femenine. when i was younger, it took weeks sometimes before i would CD again let alone having rectal sex. as i've grown older i find that it doesn't bother me as much. since i like my bisexuality, and with the help from my wife, i hold off as long as possible to have an ******. i practice comming to the brink without *******. it is a powerful emotion to be at that point and not go on. of course the longer i want it, the more i work my feminine side. when my wife wants me very feminine or sissy, she puts me on a chastity device. the one thing i have to tell you, don't feel shame. every one has their way to feel their sexuality. you are born with a natural urge. have fun with it. sometimes you'll want to. sometimes you wont. good luck and wet kisses from your lips to your jewels.

Honey, thanks for your comment. It always helps to know you're not alone in your feelings. Good luck with your journey, too. <br />
Kiss-kiss, <br />
alicia anne

alica anne, i have been crossdressing on and off for many years and i to experience many of the same feelings, especially after i have an ****** i also feel shame with it .as i get older it seems to get better but not always . i see a therapist and that seems to help. i am also very tolerant of all others its just me i have problems with. good luck in your journey xoxo honey