Can't Even Explain The Source Of The Pain.

I'm so stubborn. That's how I got here. So alone. Feels like forever. Wanna swim away. Breathe in open air. But i feel so afraid...

 I always felt that crying was for weak people. After all, who would want to show everyone around them that they are hurt? To expose themselves, to open their hearts to a roomfull of strangers? I forbid myself to cry. So weak.

I only cry in private. But lately, i've been in so much pain, it's like I don't even have the strength to produce tears. If i tried to go into every single thing that hurt me, the list would be infinite. I really think its more of a this-is-all-happening-all-at-once-and-holy-f***-even-if-I-really-wanted-to-theres-no-way-I-could-just-give-up.

It's not sadness, it's anger. Pain, fear. I'm so lost and full of emotion, my voice cracks when I try to speak, getting louder and louder, and then im crying, but i'm not sad. I'm just so ANGRY, I can't control what I'm doing or saying. Im screaming,and crying, and it probably looks like I'm having a nearvous breakdown. Then it stops, and I'm completely drained, and still numb with anger, and I have a terrible headache and I feel like I have a bad fever.

I cry as i fall asleep, at least when I can find the strength to produce tears.Otherwise, I just lay there and think. I find myself mumbling as I drift off, mumble about how much it hurts, openly talk to myself- as if saying it outloud helps me better understand what happened. I feel betrayed, hurt.... it's like there's so much, I can't even find words to pinpoint what exactly i feel. Just a heavy deadweight on my chest. I carry it around every day,  even as I sleep, my brain is awake, and i actually THINK in my sleep, waking up in the morning tired.

I refuse to talk to anyone about it. Because I myself do not understand it, and do not think I could explain. There are so many things in my life I could not tell anyone. After all, I live in America, people here have this 'sissy system' for everything, so 30 years from now when I'm applying for a job, I'll find out the councelor I tried to talk to actually posted it on my record,  1 or 2 true friends in yourand ruined my whole life. Just because I needed to talk. So I don't talk. I don't beleive in casual freindship. It's not common, it's a very rare thing, you can only have 1 or 2 real friends in yor entire life. I talk to stragners, occasionally, and to my diary. Also, when people say "someone has depression"....i don't beleive that there coudl possibly be a DRUG for CURING A FEELING. Then there should be a drug for curing broken hearts, goddamit. It's a choice someone conciously makes- lets something get to them so much, it takes over their life. I have made that choice, not wanting to, but i think deep down, i enjoy feeling pain. I can't explain it.... it's like when I am not hurt, my brain is processing, trying to find some sort of problem...

I am emotionally and physically drained, and sometimes I say to myself, "That's it, I just don't know how I'm going to keep hanging on. I'm just going to let go and F*** the world." But then... what does 'letting go' even mean? Does it mean forgetting who you are, forgetting your hopes and dreams?Great, then what's next?  I'm not even sure. It's like... I'm stuck with everything i can't handle... so then I am forced to handle it.