Recovering From Hoarding And No Longer Hoarding My Emotions

If you met me 5 or 6 years ago, you'd probably think "strong, black woman", but it was a front I was putting on. My life was a disaster and I felt on the verge of panic or despair often. But I hoarded my emotions, tamping them down with food and things. I'm an obese hoarder. I was suicidal at one point.
I'm four or five months into recovery and no longer live in filth and disorder. Yet, I am overcome with tears everyday. Sometimes several times a day. I feel a surge of emotion that isn't always sadness (esp. not self-pity) and often, the tears are rolling down my face before I realize it. I am useless while I cry. Afterwards, I don't feel better. Just empty.
I'm not hoarding my emotions, but I don't feel like I am using them wisely either. It's been decades since I had anything resembling a normal emotional state. I was the victim of child abuse, including familial child sexual abuse and learned to not trust people fully. I often disassociate during difficult moments and I used to rarely cry.
Suddenly, I am crying repeatedly. I know this isn't normal.
laquitaemerson laquitaemerson
36-40
Oct 20, 2012