Save Me From My Self

hi everybody, i'm an algerian young man, i'm 20 years old, a student and i'm ashamed to say it but i'm gay.
i had never have a relationship or sex relationship with anybody in my life, because it is my biggest secret.

in august 2012, i met a man on chatroulette, he is from usa ,he is gay too.i told him about my secret, we love eachother, and he is my first love .
when i skype with him, i always cry because i want to be with him, so i'm always sad and depressed....i don't eat, i don't focus in my study, last year i was the first in my class but now i don't think so... i always think about him, i always cry in my room, i'm worried about my mind.

and to make this pain stop, i made to biggest and the hardest dicision in my life ;in august 31 , 2014 if i still faraway from him ,i will kill my self, i can't live with such biggest pain in my heart , i miss him so bad....
i know that my family and friends will be hurted,but if i'll be alive the only one person who is hurted is me , so i don't have a choice....." to be happy or not to be".

he can't travel for me because of some raisons, so i have to do it me.but i don't have money to buy a visa , and even if i pay for a holiday they will not accept me ,i don't know why ....if that guy knows that i'll kill my self he will come to me, but i don't want to tell him, i don't want to make him feel guilty about my depression.

I do my best to join him and save my life, i am ready to be a genius for that and ready to be married with an american girl so i can go, i'm ready to do crazy things for my life.

the time is going faster and i want to save my life ....i need help.
hurtedboy hurtedboy
18-21, M
Jan 8, 2013