Trying to Be the Hoover Dam

I do not cry in front of people.

Never.

That's one of the biggest taboos I hold against myself, and regrettably, others.  I don't really agree with myself for holding it against other people, because that's just not fair, but I can't help it.  Everyone should be treated the same, so I end up being as harsh on others as I am on myself.  Why should I get special treatment?

But, I broke this taboo three times in the past year.  Twice because of the same person, and the other in front of my boyfriend, due to my boyfriend.  But at least he had enough caring in him to hold me.

Regardless of that gesture, that didn't even remotely stop myself from being angry.  Not at them, but at myself.  There isn't a person, place, or thing on this planet that I've encountered that can upset me as much as I upset myself.  I mentally berate myself and constantly put myself down because of it.

However, when I'm alone, and when I feel it, I can cry over the simplest things.  Never for too long, or too hard, and I don't physically abuse myself when I do.  It's just a short, 5-15 minute thing, and then I move on.  I feel emotionally refreshed, after I'm done.  Like I just took a shower after a few days, that sort of cleansed feeling.  I don't really know of anyone else that would feel this way, since usually people cry when they're very upset, and from what I hear, for longer periods of time.  I would guess that they'd dwell on what makes them upset for a bit after crying, because when I'm upset over things that really do matter, that's what I do.

I just feel better after I cry.  What made me upset feels so small, and I start feeling like I can take on the world and win.  It's like a boost to my self-esteem, which seems a bit backwards to me, but I'm not complaining.  How I feel when I cry alone, compared to how I feel in front of people are such polar opposites, that when I sit and think about it, it sort of boggles my mind.

And, I guess, all it really comes down to is my determination to show no weakness.  But even the Hoover Dam's gotta break sometime.  I just wish I had one person I could show weakness to, and let them see me for all my flaws and insecurities that I sure seem desperate to hide.  That way, I wouldn't even need to think of myself as a dam, having to hold back everything.

I of all people know how bad it is to hold everything back.  I'm almost always telling people this.  But it's hard not to when there's nobody there to tell it to.  Hence why I joined this website.

Good for you http://www.experienceproject.com, you've suckered me into your easy ways that make me open up to strangers.

lanolium lanolium
13-15, F
Mar 6, 2009