Makes Such Bad Decisions

Every decision he makes is only for himself.  Wanted to work a second job so he could buy himself more toys (boats, motorcycles, etc); then got hurt at the job . . . the medical bills are staggering.  Worker's comp in our state takes an average of 9 years to be resolved.

Then he pushed me to have an affair for multiple reasons.  The idea excited him.  He wasn't able to consistently sexually perform since the accident. Felt like he was holding me back.  After a year I finally did it, a one night stand with a colleage . . . hubby knew where I was and encouraged me, and then he used it as an excuse to attempt suicide.  I hear about my "cheating" every day and how he'll never forgive me.  He brings up microscopic incidents from years and years ago.  He calls me names, ****, *****, etc.  Then tells me he doesn't remember any of it.

I don't think I'll ever forgive him for putting me in this position.  Financially, emotionally, spiritually, whatever. 

Now every day is a grand new adventure.  He goes out every night to "meet people."  Drinks and drives.  Doesn't care about the consequences.  Spends the money I earn and need for bills on his partying. We live in a marital property state so I can't escape the financial nightmare or protect myself.

He won't follow up with his doctors and therapists any longer.  He wants to die and doesn't see any reason to pursue improving his mental or physical health.  Legally, unless he threatens to harm himself or someone else, there's nothing I can do. 

If I divorce him, I'm the bad person for abandoning him because he's "sick."  If I stay I'm subjecting me and our children to subtle abuse.  I hate the idea of ending our marriage; we shared so many happy years together, but I really really hate the person he has become. 

Yesterday was our daughter's graduation party with her friends - we are having a family party later out of state.  So I left to visit a friend once I was sure the kids were under control and all that good stuff.  2 hours later I got a text from our younger daughter that "dad was home and he brought his ***** with him." 
I was like, WHAT??
So I called her and asked what was going on.  She told me that this girl her dad has been talking about came home with him and he introduced her to all the girls at the party as his new friend.  Both our daughters were mortified. 

I was 10 minutes away; the girlfriend was gone by the time I got home.  Hubby didn't see what was wrong with what he did.  Needless to say, our older daughter's party was ruined (her words and FB posting) by her dad and his unexpected guest.

Wish he would look at life from a different perspective and understand WHY this is such a big deal.
sassyg1rl sassyg1rl
46-50, F
3 Responses May 31, 2010

UPDATE: We are getting divorced. He moved in with another woman in July.

You CAN protect yourself. Even in your state you can legally set up a bank account in your name only. Do so, and make sure the bill money goes in that account. You can obviously support yourself; it's time for you to start separating yourself from him. If you were to start divorce proceedings, there is no way you would not win, given his public behavior (and your daughters' friends FB postings are legal evidence).<br />
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It's possible that if you start making concrete moves to pull away, he might come to his senses as he hits bottom. Basically, right now, you are the one that is making it possible for him to act like this. If you pull your support (financial, emotional) out from under him, that might be the wake up call.<br />
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And if not, then go through with it. You have kids to take care of, and the old lifeguard's saying that "You can't save anyone if you are drowning too" is always true.

SH*T, he is just being a sh*t and you know what one does with sh*t. I understand your dleima. Your story brings tears to me eyes.