Another Bad Day

I haven't posted in here nearly enough to express the pure hate I have for my husband.

I've always been devoted, never strayed, we've been married for nearly 2 years and have been together for 5.  I'm 25 years old and I feel like an old woman.  All the stress, the hurt, the lies, the pain, I am so tired of it.  I feel trapped.

I don't know if I love him, sometimes I think I do, but then again, sometimes I think it's just the guilt.  I feel guilty for wanting to leave him, for wanting to be alone, I feel guilty for being tired of being treated the way he treats me.

He lies all the time, he's cheated in the past, and though he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again, I don't trust, don't think I can ever trust him.

Yesterday I was snooping, and discovered he was answering personal adds for no strings attached fun.  I mean, what the hell?

We have a 1 year old son, he doesn't work, I just bought him a car, again out of guilt, and Im taking care of his mother, I do everything, provide for everyone, and this is how he repays me. 

And it's not like he doesn't get enough sex, he can have it whenever he wants.  I'm so hurt, and I feel betrayed, and I want to leave him, I just don't know what's wrong with me?  Why can't I leave him.  I know I can do better, find better, I deserve better.  But I can't leave him.  I guess I do love him or else it would be easier right? 

Sometimes I look at him and I'm just totally disgusted and I could really inflict physical harm on him.  But most of the time I'll do anything he asks me to do, but when I'm doing, in my head I'm saying I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Maybe I'm becoming my mother, she had 7 failed marriages and no one ever treated her right, and she stuck around.  She just wants to please, and I guess that's easy to take advantage of.  I don't know what to do.

texaswoman832 texaswoman832
1 Response Mar 5, 2009

well u couldn't leave him yet because u still love him, our minds and hearts always saying different things. Our mind can manipulate our heart, or flipside, and angry sometimes manipulated by our fears. Love and Hate are just colliding right now thats why u dont know what to do.. oh God I wish i could take my own advice..