It's Sad But True

I tend to be depressed a pretty large amount of my time, I have been since I've lost my friends and I gave up on trying to make friends at all except my second cousin I started to hang out with from Xbox LIVE that lives near by and she has special needs. My family struggles with bills. I feel so much pity for my dad because he didn't graduate and he went through residential school in Canada. He's been damaged a lot. My mom tends to be a ***** and I know its because she isn't happy with her life. I live on an Indian reservation in northern Canada in the middle of no where. It's an isolated tiny island filled with idiots and highly judgmental people. Everyone knows everybody and gossips about everyone the gossip gets so bad that it makes others look bad. Everything tends to be more expensive up here. It's $1.95 for a liter of gas. I only have one friend who feels like **** and makes me feel like **** because she compares herself to me even though her life is a lot greater than mine (she's gets what she wants). My mom failed to raise me healthy and never taught me to brush my teeth so I haven't got into the habit, I'm still trying it's such a small task that I can't get in the habit of doing. It's hard to see my brothers give up on life. Indian reservations are absolutely depressing to live in. The houses aren't well built and they're small. My house doesn't have walls in the basement and its moldy. It's been like this for more than five years. It's winter now. We have to crank up the heater to stay warm and it makes the bill sky rocket and causes my parents hardship and stress. There's only four stores on this island. Two corner stores, one convenience store and one main store. I feel that the government is just exploiting us. They give us a reason like the expenses of sending material to repair the houses, even though it's their fault why they stranded us so far up north in the middle of nowhere. I can never get out of here because it's so damn expensive. My parents can't afford a credit card so I can't order anything online. Shopping is rare for me. There has been many suicides on the island... nine in one year. Drug and alcohol abuse is common. The drop out rate is high. There are little less than 150 students that attend at the federal school but I go to the other one because it looked more like an asylum. I hate the government for this. I didn't ask to come and live here where there is very little opportunities and hope. The people here suck A#$. The walls are so thin, I can here my parents talk in the kitchen. For now, I just breakdown and grab a razor and cut myself to feel real pain and to relieve myself. It isn't easy to move away either especially with parents that don't make much money annually.
ImpulsivelyAwkward ImpulsivelyAwkward
18-21, F
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

Let me tell you a secret- EVERYONE is afraid of being judged, humiliated or scorned by others. The trick is to muster up the courage to push through that fear. Bravery is going ahead even when you are scared. What you are describing are symptoms of depression- that need for release. I DO know exactly what you mean but you need to learn a way to let those same feelings out without self harm- Good that you are in school- education is essential to improving ones life. Good that you have a job- find some way to volunteer and DO something for others that will also get you out and about. Can you try to speak honestly with a counselor at school? Your situation is sadly all to common among First Nation youth and YOU ARE smart- I can read it in you. You CLEARLY see the right and wrong and the situation. Honor that old soul inside you and raise yourself above the immediate situation. BTW much can be learned without having to speak the same language. You need to stop letting fear hold you in chains. Honestly EVERYONE has an insecure teenager inside them somewhere or they are truly not human. Hang in there, keep busy and find someone to really honestly talk to to help you through this. :)))

ok- Glad to see that you are reaching out and honest. Cutting is just a coping mechanism because you need to feel in charge of SOMETHING. Please try to find a healthier way to express what you are feeling- this letter is one. please write instead of cutting. do you draw or paint? punch a pillow- scream into the wind. I wish that I could offer you an opportunity to make a go somewhere else. Sound like you are smart and perceptive. Is there a community center? Where are your elders- surely one could use some help and company? YOU CAN make positive changes for YOU. a small simple thing like helping others can help you. I truly hope that this helps. If nothing else- I am listening and am a mom and have a teenage daughter that used to cut. Peace in your day today....

I appreciate your response I am trying to lead a better life thus I am in school and scraping by. I feel that I am surrounded by disrespectful idiots. Sadly the elders don't speak English and there are very little. It's difficult for me to interact with others because I have no confidence and I fear of humiliation whenever I do. I'm an awkward girl. I work at a gas station and school is pretty stressful together and I feel I don't have enough free time to do the things you've suggested because I do draw and play video games. Cutting isn't the only option, that's why I've punched holes in the wall impulsively. I broke my glasses before impulsively (I know it's absurd). I try not to cut but there's something else to it, I like seeing my blood run down my arm and I just close my eyes and let the pain die down sooner.