When I Tried To Kill Myself

When I was thirteen everything seemed so bleak; my friends were moving to different states and different schools and I was about to start high school. My mom was off to Florida to take care of my aunt's cancer and I was left alone in the house for nearly twelve hours each day. (These days I seek solace, but back then I could really have used my mom by my side.) My brother, Chris, and my sister-in-law, Brenda, were assigned to check up on me, but they had more important things on their lists. My brother was going to have a baby. My dad works from three PM to midnight and I still had to get myself to school each day. In other words I was depressed and lonely. I was having a long-winded discussion with my dog when it hit me. Why am I alive? How long would it take my family to notice that I was no longer with them? Would Mom rush home and commit to being a better mother? What would Chris say? Would my friends even show up, they never showed up to my birthday party, after all. What would my niece and nephew do? Would they be like me? Would Mom and Dad finaaly get that divorce I've always wanted? Would counselors be sent into the school to help those few who'd miss me? Some of these questions reminded me that suicide is selfish, but I didn't care, I had to do what I had to do. This world's not made for stupid, dark, evil little kids like me. So I told my dog that I was going for it. I tried to overdose on aspirin. Looking back I know I only did it to get attention, but I shouldn't have had to...I deserve to be looked after. I was thirteen for God's sake, barely old enough to tie my own shoes. I called up my best friend at the time, Emily and told her what I did. For her part, she didn't call me selfish or stupid, she just told me to call my Dad and get some help. So I called my dad at work, he was frantic even before I told him what I'd done. He called Chris and he brought me to the hospital. My dad wasn't sad, he was angry at me. Like I'd done it just to **** him off, that I was totally off my rocker didn't seem to cross his mind. He shouted at me when I couldn't explain why I'd done it. They sent in this counselor to give me a psych eval. I lied through my teeth on every question and I never got treatment for it. I was never told that my feelings aren't normal that I really ought to get myself into therapy. I was never told to explain the deeper reccesses of my psyche. When my mom got home she was pissed off too. I just wanted to be understood.  Now I know that I shouldn't feel ashamed. I'd been desperate and it hadn't worked.

lonelyflame lonelyflame
18-21, F
Jul 20, 2010