I Never Understood

I don't know why I do it...I can't remember when it started..sometime last year. It started off with just a brillo, scrapping the side of my arm until angry red scratches appeared and finally calming down when I saw my blood. But then I broke my first razor...I carved the first 'No' into my upper arm and that was all she wrote. For over a month at least one "No" would be added to my arm every night...but then I got scared. What would happen if someone saw? So I stopped..it seemed impossible but I did. And here I am again, months later, staring down at my arm. It's not the neat "No"s this time, its random confused slashes in all directions in a sort of circle on my  arm right before my inner elbow. I don't know why I do it....I do everything wrong, Im not pretty, Im not smart, Im not my parents favorite child, But I still don't know why I do it... I have a lot of private breakdowns, but it's rare I actually allow myself to cry. And only after I do can I feel pretty...look decent...
I'm only sixteen....I don't know why I do it
I'm completely alone.....I never understood it
It's addicting.....Im scared because I do it
I adore my blood....Im sick because it calms me
What's wrong with me?
fatalconfusion fatalconfusion
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 23, 2011

yeah..that's addiction..you do it because it calms you down. you need it to shut up your thoughts of not being good enough for everyone.but are you good enough for yourself? i am not a favourite of my parents too..feeling like you do. cutting like you do (except for cutting words). it's not possible to end it if your thoughts doesn't change. you need to learn to accept yourself. so what if someone don't like you..so what if you're not perfect..not beautiful..you're yourself. you can't change everything but you can try and change some parts you don't like. take care of your skin, hair, pluck your eyebrows... if you look neat and clean you will certainly look more pretty and feel more pretty. look in the mirror and say in your mind or out loud if you want that you are beautiful as you are and you accept yourself. let it become your everyday mantra. if you accept yourself even though you're imperfect others will accept you too. cause it gives you confidence. and remember to choose your paths by yourself..cause you are the one living your life. not your parents or friends. you are the one responsible for everything you do to yourself. i know it's not easy to change but at least try. cutting is never a good thing..