I Cut Because Im Depressed

Hello everyone. I am Jen..I am a 39 year old mother of 2 teen boys. I am divorced and I have been physically abused by a past boyfriend. I started cutting 6 years ago because after a really bad beating I couldnt stop crying so I was trying to make dinner and accidentally cut myself and that kind of steered my pain from being beaten..After that I was hooked.

I am in a relationship now that is not a physically abusive relationship, but more so emotional and mental. I just actually cut today. My kids live with my ex husband and my mom..(difficult story to explain..no they are not sleeping together..) I moved out of my moms house to live with my current boyfriend. hes very nasty, and i do not feel like his gf..He is 45 and acts like hes 5. I feel like a care taker and not a gf. I want to get married and have another baby..but he crushed that dream on me...I resent him horribly for it. He pressures me for sex and when I do not give it to him..he gets really nasty and says things to hurt me.

I have been with him for a little over 2 years. This weekend his sister came to NJ and the family was going out to dinner on Sunday..I was NOT invited because im NOT FAMILY yet..But just think..when his dad was rushed to hospital for chest pains..Who went with him to see his dad? ME..Who was there for his parents when my bfs ex wife was causing all these problems? ME...so I am seriously really hurt..

I am a bbw who was told I should get Gastric Bypass...Im not morbidly obese.but I cannot find a surgeon in this stupid state that takes my medicaid. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and am on SSI..I cannot afford to kick him out nor can I afford to leave..I cannot go back to my moms..cause as she puts it..I made my bed, now I have to lay in it..

Well..Got into fight with bf today..he told me he doesnt know what to do anymore because I wont have sex and that im always sick..So..this am..I took a pair of scissors to my right forearm...I want to do more ...im sitting here crying my eyes out..

He knows I cut..but always yells at me for doing it..I just want someone to reach out to..I know this isn't the way to do things...but..its the only way to take the pain out of my heart..
Thanks
Jen
jellybean73 jellybean73
36-40, F
May 8, 2012