It's Been So Long

I've been cutting since I was 8 years old which I learned by mistake. I was arguing with my brother and put my fist through the mirror on my old dresser. The shattering of the glass made me feel bad but the sight of the blood over my hands stopped me from feeling bad about what was going on. I'm 28 now and have slowed the cutting down because I try to use many resources to attempt to hold back. My recent was when my father passed away suddenly. I remember listening on the phone and ending the call not being able to breathe. I felt like I was going to pass out and quickly grabbed a knife to slice. As soon as I witnessed the skin break and blood pour I began to slow my breathing. The shock of my life that my dad who is such a great person with a laugh that could fill your heart was gone so sudden and so soon in my life and others. So many times in life this action has brought so much solace to my life knowing that whatever is happening this will take it away. Even when I saw a psychiatrist three times a week to discover the "triggers" or "underlying reasons" it brought so much opening to the need. The main things I remember is that they told me it is a "coping mechanism". At first I used to hide it so much wearing long sleeve shirts on the hottest days pretending not to be hot. Now it doesn't matter because if someone thinks differently of me then so be it because this is apart of my life that I take great pride in. No matter what you don't need to hide; this doesn't mean you are attention seeking but more that you are strong enough to admit to others that you are in a hard time and that you are still here in order to tell the pain.
29dying 29dying
1 Response May 10, 2012

I can only hope that inner peace would force the real pain to fade away.<br />
Take care