I'll Kill Myself Before You Realize I Need A Hug..

Hi.!(: xx. I'm Hunter. Yes, I'm a girl. I'm fourteen. And I'm a self harmer. See, there's different ways of self harming. Self abuse. Self mutilation. Burning. I self mutilate (cut). I've self harmed for about two years and I can't stop. The reason I started self harming was because I was molested when I was eleven, almost twelve. Most people start self harming with just little scratches. Or something along that line. I was different. I saw it on television shows and I heard about some people doing it at school and thought "what would it hurt.?!" So I started cutting. I carved the word alone in my calf. Because that's how I felt. I still do. But we'll get back to that later. As that year went on I had few friends and I couldn't fit in anywhere. That made me feel even more alone. As I went into seventh grade I didn't cut near as much because I made that one special friend that would stick by me through anything. She never knew about my cutting problem because I was too scared to tell anyone. I started cutting deeper and more often when I went into eighth grade. I was happy that no one noticed but I felt horrible because I was keeping a secret away from everyone.. A horrible secret that no one should have to keep. I met a guy,, we'll just say his name is Jim.(: I started getting feelings for Jim when the second semester of school rolled around. He got feelings for me too. We started talking and we've been together since the fifteenth of March.! The unfortunate part of being with him is that I have horrible trust issues. Mainly with guys. Because of me getting molested by someone so close to me. He understands though, and I slowly gain trust for him each day. But then me and Jim had a fall out. He told me he couldn't take anything anymore and he was going to kill himself. I didn't see him for a while and I got really scared and worried. I thought to myself "if he can't be here neither can I.!" I cut my wrists and took a handful of pills on the fifteenth. What was supposed to be our first month of being together. I didn't get taken to the hospital but I didn't die either. So, yes, I have tried suicide multiple times. My cutting by that point had gone out of control. I would do it in school, every day, at least 12-13 times. Anywhere anytime I would cut. A lot and most of them were deep. On my legs, thighs, wrists, arms, stomach, hips. You name it. I've probably cut there. But, on the bright side. On the twenty-second of March I had this urge to quit cutting. It gets harder before it gets easier. Remember that. I haven't cut but once since then and I'm proud to say that it was only a few scratches. I do struggle every day with cutting and it's never easy. But I'm going strong and counseling along with therapy helps me. So I want to ask you one thing. Is cutting taking over your life.?! Do you truly want to stop but can't.?! If so, tell someone.! Seek help, or you won't be able to stop.! I would know. Please, don't ever make that first cut.. It's not worth your life.. You're beautiful. Always remember. I love you.! I'm here if you need someone to talk to as well.. Stay strong.!
xoFakeSmilesox xoFakeSmilesox
13-15, F
2 Responses May 23, 2012

Thank you.(:

You are so welcome!!!! :)

Amen to that girly!!!!!!!!! :)