Did Something Really Sick Yesterday.

Not exactly cutting (I would have if I had the place to go), but still stupid, STUPID self-harm.
I work at a fast food joint in the kitchen. It's not the best job in the world, but I'm still very grateful that I have it. I am very, VERY paranoid that I will lose it, so I always strive to be perfect. If I mess up and make another worker mad, I always try to punish myself to try to teach myself a lesson (and also lessen the blow I take when I realize somebody doesn't like me). 
Yesterday, I was trying to put buffalo wings in the fryer, when one of them fell into the butter dish used to make toast. A girl was in the middle of that process, so she get extremely angry. I tried to stop what I was doing and get some new butter and a new dish, but she was still mad. The bosses got annoyed, but didn't get angry with me (they would have, had it been any other worker) because they see me as a total clumsy sensitive imbecile already. So, after finishing the wings, I grabbed a bottle of our "Insane" hot sauce, walked into the back, smeared a handful onto my fingers/palms, and rubbed it into my left eye. Needless to say, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I was literally blind for about five minutes, running into the wall and moaning (it was in the back, so nobody noticed fortunately). After ten minutes or so, I brought the bottle back up to the front and started working again, even though I couldn't open my eye. When somebody noticed that it was completely red and swollen, I just said that I'd accidentally been handling the bottle earlier, rubbed my eye a bit later and accidentally got some in there. Once again, the bosses were annoyed, but since they saw me as stupid, they didn't say anything to me.
I will admit: I felt a lot better after I did that to myself. Even after rubbing it on my skin, my skin started to burn. I was happy that I taught myself a lesson, and always think that maybe they won't think I'm so stupid if they knew that I punished myself and know that I'm not so lazy after all and that I really cared about the quality of my work. 
Just like that sauce, I am completely insane :s
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1 Response Sep 6, 2012

I understand the feeling that you need to be perfect at a job. I work myself to exhaustion trying to improve others' opinions. It doesn't make you insane, it just makes me worry about you. You already know it wasn't a good idea... Well, from my perspective, it makes me want to hug you and tell you everything will be alright. <3
I hope that didn't come off as creepy... Sometimes I say the stupidest things.