Madhouse Journals...

Just a little deeper. A few more millimeters. You got this. You have control over your own life. So take it. Take control. Nothing can stop you. This is a war between you and your mind. Win it. Whether you have to kill yourself, or kill your mind, just win it. Kill it. Control it. Overcome it. This is you. This is what you do. It's a part of you. You ******* cutter! WIN THIS BATTLE! Do whatever you have to. Cheat life. Cheat death. Just win it.
You know how much you like the blood. The scars. The sting. The perfection. So use it. Make yourself happy. Go deeper. Taste the blood. Smell the blood. Open yourself up. Breathe through your skin. Bleed. Heal. Scar. These are battle wounds. Don't be afraid to show them. They are special. They tell your story. They give you a story to tell. They make you stronger. More able to take on pain. More resistant to the pain. The oncoming slew of names and stereotypes. Make the sight of your arms a slap in the face for those who don't understand. Make them understand with just one glance. They'll never understand. But you have to go far enough to make them. Go deeper to make them. Deeper than you've ever gone before. Don't be afraid of it. Embrace it. Be proud of it. This is your own thing that nobody will ever understand. It makes you unique. Gives you something to live for. To die for. To be for. So be it. Be a cutter. You are a cutter. I am a cutter.

12:00 PM
I've been here two weeks now. My depression hasn't changed. My cutting hasn't changed. My suicidal thoughts have increased. I feel dead inside. I finally got myself to cry today. I've been too empty to cry lately. I still wanna cry though. But I just can't get it out.. today has NOT been a good day so far, and now I have a headache from crying. Great. Just ******* great.
I feel so alone. All of my friends have left. I don&'t know how to make new friends. I don't know what to say or what to do...
3:00 PM
I was able to cry again. I still want to cry though. Selena told me to lie outside in the sun to calm down, so I did. But all the guys were shooting hoops and trying to show off because I was the only girl out there. Annoying, but also a bit flattering, in an awkward way. But that doesn't change the fact that I still want to cry. I just don't know what to do. I feel like that Kasi in the mushroom house that stayed in her room all day and thought of ways to hurt herself and overdosed on ibuprofen just to pass time. I want to pass time. I want to sleep. Until two weeks from now when my meds finally start to kick in. Why can't they kick in faster than Prozac? I feel stuck. And they just changed my meds so I have another 2-3 days in this hell-hole. ****. **** a duck. **** a ******* duck. Just **** it. I'm so done with this place. I honestly just wanna end it so I can be done already.
6:30 PM
I want to go home. I&'m not okay. I'm breaking down. I need a hug. I need my bed. I need someone to just hold me and let me cry. I need physical contact. I need a friend here. I need someone to make me smile and laugh and just forget about my problems and the world around me. I can't do this on my own. I need help. I need support. I need direction. I need motivation. I really need a friend here... I need Skylar or Bri or Victor or Jessica. I feel alone here. Abandoned. Scared. Insecure. Desperate. Hopeless. I wanna throw up. I'm so alone...
I couldn't cry when they were here. But they're all gone now. And I'm bawling my eyes out as I'm writing these stupid words. I wanna bleed.
7:30 PM
Keep your head high, gorgeous. They'll kill to see you fall.

12:00 PM
More crying. More headaches. Homesick.

12:00 PM
I am in an AMAZING mood today! :D YAY! I'm not sure if it&'s real happiness, or if it's just the mania. But I don't care. I like it [: I'm hopefully getting discharged Monday! GAH! I'm just soooooo happy! xD
3:30 PM
I love it when people ask me how I am today. I can say "good" without lying! :D Whoop! I'm hyper! I hate the toilets here...

12:00 PM
I'm having an anxiety attack. Our group therapist was a douchebag and he made me really anxious and now I'm having an anxiety attack. It's his fault. Where's Laura? I want Laura. I like Laura. I need Laura.
****. ****. ****. **** a duck. I'm going to be okay.
It is approximately 12:00 noon on April 21st, 2012. I am at Pine Rest mental hospital in the Van Andel building in the Child and Adolescent unit. I am sitting in Hall B, room 741. I am sitting in a chair around the corner of the closet. I am at my desk and I will be okay.
I'm not okay. I'm okay. I'm okay and I like me. I love myself. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I will take notice of the many positive things this day has to offer.
3:30 PM
Small, simple, safe price. Ride the wake and carry me with all of my regret. I am not afraid to die. I&'m not afraid to bleed, and ****, and fight. I want the pain of payment. What's left, but a section of pigmy-sized cuts, much like the slew of a thousand unwanted *****. Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand *****? And make mark-leaving space for the guilt to be liquid, to fill, and spill over and under my thoughts. My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter: I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart. Love is not like anything - especially a ******* knife.

I'm back at Pine Rest. I failed at the real world. And I failed here too. They found broken pencils and pieces of wood from my window frame. Now they're doing a room search. And I'm on peer boundaries. And seclusion. So I can &"focus on myself" They took all my journals since I started here again too. *******.

1:00 PM
I was watching the thunderstorm clouds come in when they were searching my room yesterday. They were so poufy... I really wanted to fly up and just sit on them. Like I was leading the thunderstorm. It's my own little army - of clouds - storm clouds. It sounds silly and childish, but it makes me feel like I have control over the clouds. But only the clouds around me. Only the ones that I can see. I can't have too much control. Too much control is bad. I honestly hate the word. Control. It scares me.
Waiting. Staring at an apple. Daring it to move. I'd honestly freak out if it did actually move on its own. But what if? Just a twitch. Everything around it is moving. The whole world is moving around this apple. But the apple isn't moving. Why can&'t the apple move on its own? I seem to have memorized every physical aspect of this apple. Except the other side... I've only memorized half of it. Now for the other half..........memorized. It's strange. The other side had flushes of reddish-orange mixed in with the yellowish-green. But this side is all green, just green.
I just spent the last 34 minutes of my life staring at a ******* apple. Apple. That word has lost its meaning in my mind. It's no longer a word. Just a sound made from your vocal chords and the way you move your mouth.
Now that has me thinking about how just moving your mouth around a sound can create words. A language. How did we come as far as making over 800 languages with just the movement of our mouths? ******* apple. Got me thinking way too deep into things...
Ten minutes until 2. My dad's supposed to be here at 2. Ten minutes... time is going too slow. I'm going too fast. I guess I&'ll just keep staring at this apple... 5 minutes. 3 minutes. 2 o'clock. Still here. With my friend, the apple. Sitting in the seclusion hallway. With a sociopath in the room. He scares me. But I'm learning from him about Antisocial Personality Disorder. He really does have no sense of right or wrong. He swears, burps, farts, talks about extremely graphic and sexual stuff, and he lies. He is charming, but you can tell most of his stories are lies. He's trying to impress people. He’s excellent at drawing vehicles though. Puta Gorda.
****. I'm in a mental hospital. And I'm befriending an apple. I'm never coming back to this place. Ever.
Its 15 after...
2:30 and I'm still here. Staring at my apple.
somethingbecomingnothing somethingbecomingnothing
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 17, 2012

How'd u post this, I mean did u come home then upload all ur writings on here? Lol, I've been to a mental hospital b4, but it was for threatening to kill everyone in car cause I didn't wanna leave my bunny, long story, I was 12 or more hours away from home in another state, and I forgot my bunny, it had always had a memorizing look, I always had cut but after that day, how my best friend who came on vacation with me, recorded everything that happened in car then told everyone at school pretty much what happened, then I guess after I calmed down.... They stopped at gas station saying they were gunna get some snacks, then the police car came and I about p****d myself, she told me to get in and she locked me in while I hid and just watched as everyone was being ******* and not caring about me, I wanted to die right there and cut then... That feeling still follows me around from that day, the betrayal, the scared feeling, the love lost then gained... Well anyway they took me and I was put into a room with this little boy whom ran away from home, I loved and prayed for the kid since he was like a brother/ best friend til I left, I wish I could see the kid again. But he drew me some cute pictures and I drew him some manga pictures with poems on them, then as time passed two girls who were cutters like me came, and I wanted to say I did same, but I didn't wanna stay any longer since I was afraid, and it smelled like doctor office Dx then another girl came who had tried to kill herself coz she heard voices came, and then the guard and everyone started talking about ghosts and stuff, and then I left. I didn't get back home til 4 or 5 am that night, I stayed there for about 12 hours in the hospital. I hated those questions they had asked, I wanted to hurt them all and get the h*** out, I hated the workers. The way they acted around everyone, it was so bothersome, I wanted to tell them to **** off, but stayed quiet. My friend and little brother were so afraid of me that they took a plane home. Whilst taking all of the stuff I bought with them or leaving the empty bottles everywhere rubbing it in that they ate all that. My friend avoided me after, and once I found out about her telling everyone I became a loner, that was in April.

wow. thats a lot to take in. i was at the mental hospital for 22 days in april too. they told us we werent allowed to share personal info or contact eachother outside of the hospital, but we did anyway. i met some of my closest friends there. and i had all of my journals written down and when i got home i just typed them up and put them on here. its weird coz i feel like i NEED to share my story and try to use it to help other people. so if you ever want to talk about anything feel free to just message me whenever.

<p>how did it go? did you ever get home? and the meds, did they kick in? you've really gotten me concerned about you... you're quite a good writer</p>

thank you [: i did get home but my dad was 2 hrs late to pick me up. ive been on 5 different antidepressants since i got out. we are still trying to find the one that works best for me. but i am doing somewhat better so thats good [:

I'm glad :) why so late?

He's late for everything.

well ****, that's a lotta late

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