On The Verge

I don't cut. I don't think I ever could. I have a low pain tolerance, and I'm a coward. I just don't cut.

I scratch.

Vigorously scratching into my skin with a needle, and old sewing needle. Etching lines into my skin that stick around for a couple of days before becoming non-existent.

I never bleed. I only break the first layer of skin. Just enough for a mark. I can't go further than that. I don't think I ever could.

At first I thought it was a one time thing. One night I was so upset I could not bear it, and I thought of something several of my friends had admitted to doing. Cutting. I couldn't go that far. I don't think I ever could. So I took the blade of a razor and scratched into my skin.

Many months passed.

Then came another devastating night in my life. I couldn't withhold my emotion. The urge was too strong. I used my necklace-- a shooting star pendant that ended in a sharp point. I broke the chain, tearing it off my neck and etching into my skin.

A couple of months passed.

It happened again. This time, a needle. The lines stayed for days.

A month passed.

Again. Needle.

A day passed.

Again. Again. Again.

It keeps happening. More frequently every time. Each time a little more, a little harder. I could never cut. I just don't think I could... but each day I get a little closer.

Help me.
EtherealMelody EtherealMelody
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

Hi
hugs to you darling. I was just like you as a child up until i was in my late 20s. They say there are two reasons why people self harm one is anger and the other is a desperate cry for help. I have no idea which one i was, maybe both maybe neither i just know that once i had scratched myself to the point of open skin and it was stinging i felt better cos now i had REAL pain to take my mind off my 'unseen' pain. Back then i didn't know this ofcoarse.I just remembrer the stinging pain that would consume me. Back then i thought i must be incredibly in need of attention!!! Back then i was being bulleyed, touched inappropriately by my cousin, sexually beaten by sick boys in my school and had parents who were constantly fighting and had no idea i was going through all this. The theory about anger and self harm is that boys tend to externalise their anger, they punch people, lash out and become violent
girls tend to internalise their anger so they self harm, and that can be through cutting, scratching or dangerous sexual encounters, drug and alcohol abuse etc.
I don't know if any of this is helpful to you. I just want to let you know you are not alone or the only one in the world who does this and loathes yourself. I did a lot of work on myself over the years. Read a book called women who run with the wolves. Quite life changing. Read tons of books but that one helped me see that i was a wild woman who would not be tamed and not to hate myself for not conforming to 'the norm' but to celebrate the uniqueness of ME. Take care. LOVE YOURSELF XOXOXOXOX