I Cut Myself..and I Hate It

im 14 and ive tried everything. every little method that people or the internet reccomend. i cant stop. its like every time i pick up a knife, hell every time i see a knife, something just comes over me and i just cut myself like a routine, like its normal. when i see the blood start to ooze from my arm a calming sensation just flows over me and its great, and the stinging afterward that briefly makes you feel so alive i love it. but i hate when you look down afterwards and see the scars of insecurity, imperfection, and weakness. i hate that i cant wear short sleeves, i hate that i cant take a shower without that painful, stinging reminder of the terrible things i do to cope, i hate how the few people who accidentily find out look at me, i hate how every time some even remote feeling that i dont like surfaces i cut to push it back down, i hate that no matter how much i want to i cant stop, but most of all i hate how much i love it. it started of as one of the small ways i cope, a small cut here and there, or just even a scratch, no blood. but now its the only way i CAN cope, 20 or 30 cuts at a time, blood drawn from each. it makes me feel so much better, calmer. but only for a short period of time. then i feel terrrible about what ive done. but i cant help it. i cant stop
kittikatti kittikatti
13-15, F
4 Responses Jan 6, 2013

I'm the same way. I kept telling myself that I would only do it once or twice a night, but it always ends up being like 20 cuts. Its getting insane. I know what you mean by not being able to resist. In the beginning you feel like your the one in control, but as time goes on you begin to realize that its the cutting that is in control of you. I completely understand what your going through, if you ever wanna talk I'm here for you :)

thank u so much<3

I care about you.

thank you

Would you pray to Jesus and go to counseling? God help me a lot in when I have a tough life. I am sure you can be heal.

i really want to try to stop myself befor i go to any kind of counsiling because i dont want my mom to find out, it would break her heart. and im athiest

I don't mind you are atheist or other religion. God is so good to me.He answered my every pray. I pray for you to experience real love, happiness and healing. I was low self esteem and hate my self.

I ever want to suicide because of low self esteem. But God told me to think about my 2 children and do not always focus on my self. If I die nobody would defense my children. Nobody send them the best school and nobody care about their felling.

I hope that you quickly search for help don't wait until too late. If you die your mom would be more suffering. If you heal from this illness she would be happy for you. Trust me. I am a mother has 2 children.

ill get help if i end up really needing it..thanks

2 More Responses

That is painful.