My Life Story.. Part 3

Sorry folks, another long one.. Lets just say I think about things a lot, no nasty or snide comments please!

I can't be bothered to do anything anymore, can't be bothered to get out of bed, to talk to people, to go out my room, to eat, and to even get changed. I'm not entirely sure why I'm like this but it serves me right. I shouldn't have talked. I just want to go to school and forget about everything. I don't want to remember the past, I just want to be here right now and happy like everyone else.. it sucks being like this but I got what I deserved. I shouldn't have been disloyal and pathetic, I should have faced things on my own. But no. I didn't. And now I've messed everything up. Whatever.. I'm fine. I can't even sleep at night, I wont be able to get to sleep till like 3am and then I have to get up a 6am for school. 3 hours sleep, I can't stop thinking about everything though. I need to do my school work so I can get good grades but I haven't even done that.. I've only done my History but that's only because Miss H has helped me so much I want to make her proud and get good marks. It took me like a week to actually finish it, that's not because it's good it's because I couldn't be bothered. I hate this.. I feel so useless and empty.
I need to talk to someone but I don’t want to bother people with my feelings. I'm so tense! Every time the phone goes or there is a knock at the door my heart beats faster, I always think it its the police or something.. I hate being like this, it's horrible but I can't make it stop.
I hate my scars.. but I can't get rid of them.. They're part of me.. a horrible reminder of what happened, I will look a mess at prom.. people will ask questions.. I just want to be able to wear a shirt sleeved T-shirt without people staring.. but more scars will come, because I can't stop. It's been going on for too long and I can't stop. My scars are bad.. both my arms are covered in scars and cuts, there is no more room to cut anymore. I'm too tired to fight it anymore. I don't even know if anybody cares anymore, my family don't, sometimes I only think school care because they have to, not because they want to. Nobody knows me, nobody even understands me. How could they if I don't even understand myself. All I ever wanted was to be perfect. It's not attention, it's not fashion, it's secret, it's a release. I can't stop, I'm so scared!! I just can't stop. I want to stop.. I feel so useless! I hate it, it's the same as drugs and smoking, you get hooked and can't stop, I hate it! I keep relapsing, it's bad now, I can't stop. I haven't stopped for months, even when school told me to stop I didn't they would never check, nobody did, so they never knew. I don't know how I'm going to stop, talking doesn't help. I don't know what does. I'm not strong, I can never seem to fight the urge to do it, I always try.. I try so hard, but it always wins. I can never make it stop. I want it to stop! I hate it! My arms are covered in scars. It's horrible, but I like the control I get. But I'm not in control anymore, I've lost it, I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I hate it! I feel so c***** about myself. I want to scream at everyone, I want to ask them how they couldn't tell something was wrong with me, how they couldn't see I was broken. I guess that means I need to go into a mental hospital or something but that would kill me even more, I just want to go to school. I want to get away from it and I want to forget about it. I want to be normal.. I want to be happy. But I can't be fixed.. I can't be cured.. I want to get rid of my scars. I hate this. I been to hospital twice in a week before because of my self-harming, I haven't been for ages but they nurse who looked after me knows my name without looking at the records. I don't want to go back there. But I need someone to notice. I need someone to know, I need someone to protect me because I'm scared, I feel venerable and scared of myself.
I'm scared of being judged for my scars, people will look at them instead of me and they wont want to talk to me, it makes people feel uncomfortable. I saw a old lady in town the other day with scars all up her arms, self-harm scars, it made me think, that's gonna be me when I'm older. I feel so weak.
5th January 2013
Have you ever had to fake a smile? I've done it everyday for the last 5years and nobody has picked up on it yet.. nobody knows the difference. I don't want to land myself in hospital as a impatient patient. I wouldn't be able to cope. I didn't get to sleep until like 3:30am In the morning.. I just can't seem to sleep, and then I always seen to have nightmares. There always seems to be a man with dark hair and a black cape with a hood on watching me... he's always there. I don't know who he is but it's like he's controlling what happens in my life not me. It's weird.
I haven't eaten anything yet, I've drank a J2O and a WKD but that's all I've had. I'm not even hungry. Gosh, I really need to get away from here..
My arms are killing today, everytime I move my arms the scabs seem to split again, but it severs me right, I shouldn't have been so ungrateful and selfish. I shouldn't have talked. My new years revolution is to shut up and not tell anybody anything, no matter how hard they push me. I'll just push back.
I hate self-harming it's horrible, I'm going to be left with huge visible scars all over my legs and arms, people will stare and instead of using there brains they will ask what it is from. Why should I tell them?! I'm more worried about prom.. I will be hiding at the back all the time so people won't see, I don't know how I am going to be able to hide them.. I don't want to wear a cardigan either because it will ruin the whole dress. Grrr dunno what I'm going to do but I can't seem to stop cutting! I'm addicted. I guess that makes me crazy..
3 days till I can be back at school! I can't wait! Which sounds really odd considering I hated going to school in year 9, I would even fake illnesses or just run away and hid for the day so mum thought I was at school. I would ring the school, tell them I'm ill and then hide somewhere with a book for the day. Then the police lady found me.. sitting in the park reading a book, and she rang the school so I had no choice to go. I hate police...
School relaxes me.. sounds a bit weird seen I have exams and everything, but I can stay busy and forget about things. I bet I'm the only kid who loves school compared to being at home! I get along with all the teachers and my lessons are alright so why complain? I have no idea what I'm going to do when I'm on study leave.. Might just try and use the school library instead of going home. Not sure if school will let me but I don't care.. I am not going home!.
It's annoying, I'm triggered really easily, I have no idea why, so someone could say something and it would set off all those thoughts. It's like body’s a bomb, that's on a self-destruct mode and everytime I do something wrong or someone says something I'm off, ticking away. They don't even have to be talking about me, it could be something else, it's normally if there talking about something that has happened to me before and it just gets me thinking, sometimes I can beat all the feelings but mostly I always lose, it's stronger than I am and I can't fight it. Self-Harm always wins. Part of me is scared of cutting (very deep deep down), in case I go to far again, but then I love it, it helps me feel better, it makes me calm. It's my own way of dealing with things that others don't have to know about, instead of crying and breaking down I’ll cut, then I'm OK again.
But I'm useless at pretending as well as most other things.. people found out because I opened my big mouth (well only Miss H and Kim) but then my other friend knew something was wrong, I tried my hardest to act normal and happy, but I can't. It seems to be getting harder then it used to be. I will never ever tell anybody what I did on the 27th December, they don't need to know, it would be the end of everything. I would be called pathetic and stupid, given loads of c*** about it, I know I will.
I hate that! If someone cuts too deep and don't die they get so much c*** for failing, they get called attention seeking and pathetic for not managing to die! But if they do die then everyone suddenly becomes their best friend and act all sad and upset. ******** it's stupid!
It really makes me think.. how can people not notice what I do to myself?! I don't want them too but it's quite obvious... I guess in a way I do want someone to notice.. so I can be cared for! So someone will just hug me and tell me things will be OK and that I'm safe.. but no, they only see the cut and don't even ask for the real reason why I do it.. they always presume the worst. I'm alone and scared.. and this is what led me to a overdose of 49 paracetamol tablets on the 27th December 2012.
I couldn't take anymore, I was scared of the New Year and what's going to happen, I'm sick of being scared and pretending everything is fine! Mum found out after I kept throwing up everywhere. I had to tell her! She got so p****d with me, she told me to get into the “real world” and stop being so stupid, she told me that people ask her and she has to tell them! All she thinks about is herself and how it effects her, she doesn't think about how I feel or why I even did it, she didn't even ask me. I was to scream at Miss J what I did but what if she sends me to the hospital and the lock me up!? I wouldn't even be able to cope with that, no chance. Mum didn't take me to the hospital or even ring for shrop doc, she just left me to be sick and throw up everything, I couldn't keep down anything for the next 2 days, even water would make me sick. I don't really remember what happened that night, but I think I passed out in the bathroom, I told mum I was having a bath so she didn't check on me, but I don't really remember. I won't ever be doing it again! It's horrible. It's worse than dying.. I'm pretty sure that being stuck in a mental hospital would be worse than dying, not being allowed knives, forks, shoe laces and long hair. Nobody would be allowed to visit unless I was considered to be “safe” it would be horrible. I'm not even going to tell Kim, it would destroy her! A friend found out the night I did it and she rang the ambulance but when they came I told them I was fine and hadn't done anything.. I lied my head off, I just wanted to die in a corner somewhere. I hope so much that I wouldn't wake up in the morning, but I did and I was as weak as anything, I couldn't even suck out of a straw to drink. I just gave up... I didn't want to deal with my problems or remember the bad things that happened. I didn't want to face the New Year, it terrified me. So I locked myself in my wardrobe, cut all my arms up and then swallowed 49 paracetamol tablets. I was fine at first so I was planning on taking some more like a hour or so later but then in about half an hour I couldn't stand, I left so c*****, mum,dad and harry went out shopping so I stayed at home, trying to act as normal as possible. When mum found out she refused to tell anybody, even though I ask her to tell the police lady who has been helping with me at least, but she wouldn't. She didn't even tell my dad. I just wanted someone to look after me and stay by my bed with me, talking to me about any old thing, it didn't matter, I just wanted someone..
I'm not sure why I wanted the police lady to know, I think it's because I had been talking to her anyway and she had said I could talk to her when I needed her.. and I needed someone. I wouldn't tell her myself because it would make me look attention seeking, as if I didn't really do it and am just saying it to get someone attention. But whatever it's been done now, it's over. It's the past.. I just wish I could let go of the past. But I can't because I'm broken..
I've been to hospital, had stitches, carved names and words into myself. It's a hard thing to explain. Just the way it makes you feel. It's like a sense of control. Of power. Like you have your whole life in the palm of your hand and one swift move and you can take it away. But you don't, because when you drag that blade across your skin, you see the blood, nothing else matters but that. The endorphins release give a high that nothing can top. But you know, with these scars, lining your body, you will be different and insecure. So you continue until every bad thing seems obsolete and you hope you don't ever wake from that trance. But unfortunately you do. And before you know it, you're addicted. I think that's the only way I can describe it to people who don't understand, they wont understand until they have been through it themselves, so I just don't bother trying to explain it.
I hate it when people ask my why I cut, it's not an easy answer. T's not like I want to run my blade every time I have an issue.. but I guess I have to. It has taken over me. Slowly, but it has. It's like a private battle. A battle I always lose.
Going on inside my mind, my head says, “Use the blade.” but my heart says, “Live instead” I try to control the urges but sometimes I crave release and I know deep inside that my blade will be the one to bring me peace. I ask myself why every time as the blade rests on my wrist. I know I have to make it through, I have things to live for, like myself and friends.. well.. Kim at least. It's not fair for her. Everyday less people understand what it's like to walk in my shoes, make these marks on my skin, and have much darker thoughts than anyone else would. Each scar represents a battle and each one means I've survived. But I know the war is not over yet.. it's no where near.
What if I'm going insane... what if I don't stop... what do I do because I can't talk to anyone.. who can I talk to? No-one and that is why I continue. It's the only way I can continue.
I realize that I'll never stop cutting because no-one cares enough to ask me if I'm okay. This is the only way I can get release, and I'm sorry, I'm too weak to search for a lee “harmful” solution.
Everyone thinks it's in my past. Every time I talk about it I talk in past, but it's still here. Every time I get upset I bleed. Every time I get stressed I bleed. Nobody knows but me how it hurts. To not cut. To be alive. It hurts so much.
My mum doesn't realize that I can't just stop. No matter how hard I try. I always go back to my blade.
Before I cut, the whole world seems really horrible, and it felt like nothing was real.
After I cut, everything seems to be better.
Everyday is a battle, and that's what they all seem to not understand. You don't just not cut for a week and then are better. Every. Day. Is. Hell.
The saddest thing is, I'll never be normal again. I can never interact normally with others, ever again.
I can't do it again. I can't tell her. I can't work up the nerve to disappoint her. I failed and I can't face seeing the hurt in her eyes when I tell her that I never actually quit. I can't face telling her, when I don't want to stop, if it helps the pain go away.
I just want to punish myself for not being good enough, being this mess... pushing people that I love away. I deserve the pain and suffer.
I always think I'm done cutting. I'm always wrong.
“There is no excuse to harm yourself,” that's what a lot of people tell me. But in truth, the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is cutting myself. And so that is what I do. I cut so I don't cry, I cut so I don't yell, I cut so I look strong and I cut so I don't die. It really is the only thing that stops me, and I have tried to stop cutting so many times, but it's useless now.
I sit up at night in my bed and I cry and cry, sometimes I know why sometimes I don't. All I know is the pain of crying wont go away, unless I cut. It's disgusting. And I hate myself. And I should be ashamed. But it's the only thing that helps, it's my own outlet. I have no one to talk to. No one listens, no one cares. No one even notices how upset I am. How lost I am inside. How empty. I hate myself for letting everything get to me. I can't remember what it's like to be happy any more.
Everyone sees what I do as something horrible. What they don't know is my blade is my best friend. She knows all my darkest secrets. Every new cut is a another secret told.
Sometime I wish someone would find out.... just so I could have someone to talk to.
I wish I could stop, but I can't. I deserve this. I deserve to be punished for being so worthless.
The few people who have seen my cuts (apart from Kim) think I only do it for attention, but I guess I can't expect them to understand because they don't know what I have to deal with everyday.
I need to feel the release, I need to feel myself taking control.
I feel like I don't deserve to stop.
They made me promise to stop hurting myself, but never to stop cutting, it doesn't hurt anymore. No one really cares if I do it anyway.
I will always be the first person to tell someone else not to hurt themselves if they consider it. I can't help but think, if I had someone just before the first time I cut, if things would have turned out differently.
I'm never going to promise anyone again that I'll stop cutting. It always feels like I'm letting them down when I do it again.
I put so much time into trying to make people feel better, partly in the hope that I'll start to believe what I'm saying to them about things getting better.
People think it's an act. I'm so happy at school with friends. When people notice my cuts I know what they think. She wants attention. She tries so hard to get attention. But they're wrong. I try so hard to hide them, not to flaunt them. They think they know me. They don't. They know the girl who's always smiling and laughing, trying to make other people happy when they feel down, they don't know the real me.
I hate being like this... I cut again, I hate it! I'm such a mess up, all I wanted to do was make everyone happy, but I forgot to make myself happy. I just wanted people to feel like they have someone who will listen to them when they need someone. I'm such a waste of space! I'm cutting like every single night now, it's getting out of control, my wrists are so messed up.
I'm fine – I'm not fine, please someone help me
I'm just tired – I can't take anymore
Go away – show me that you care and stay with me
I'm just cold – I don't want you to see my cuts
I'm better, I promise – I've never been this bad
I'm okay – I'm dying inside
6th January 2013
When woke up this morning my arms were in so much pain. I couldn't even straighten the right one, well I guess it serves me right, I shouldn't have been selfish and disloyal. School is getting closer, I'm happy about school but that means I have to talk to more police officers about everything! I don't want to do this... I can't!
I wrote a letter to JessieJ, I asked her how she managed to stay strong when she found out about her heart condition, I mentioned that I self-harm and that her music had helped me get through some when I was feeling down. I really hope she replies, it would make my world if she did. I text the police lady asking her what I can tell her or Miss J that they don't have to tell anyone else about. I don't know why but I want someone to know that I never stopped hurting myself, I guess I just want to see if they will care about me, all I want is someone to care. I know that sounds weird because it makes me sound like I want attention, but I don't, I just want someone to care. If I wanted attention I would walk around with my sleeves up and not try to hide them so much. I counted all my cuts and scars.. I have a total of 693 over my body... I just can't seem to stop doing it. I need help, but talking isn't helping.
The hardest bit is thinking about going to someone in private, pulling up my sleeve and explaining myself. Why? Because, partly, I'm terrified they'll say “I know you cut”, and, partly, because I'm scared of doing it only to be told they don't care. All I want to do is get rid of the scars that are consequences of my stupidity. I want to wear short sleeves.
I'm trying to see the value in my life again but... with the constant fear of failure the constant shame about my arms and legs, about myself.. how am I meant to.. I've lied about my addiction for so long.. convinced the world I'm fine and nobody knows that I still cut since Miss H caught me, but it's so easy to convince everyone I'm fine.. people would rather cope with a fake smile than deal with the tears. I don't want to stay quite anymore, I want help.. I need help.. but how can I tell someone. I don't want to be locked up.
At home I just want to be noticed. Instead, my mum ignores all the signs because of her own fear and her own problems.. she silently picks up the bloody tissues and blades she finds, but she never speaks to me. Nothing is more hurtful than realising she knows and doesn't care to help. Other people thought they were helping by planning behind my back, as if I wasn't a person, as if I had no say, as if I was just a hot topic for people to talk about. But there is so much I want to say.. so much I want to scream.
Everyday I think about cutting but I wait until I'm alone in my room. I want to scream and cry about my pain but I physically cannot. I have a bad temper and cutting keeps me calm, I tell everyone I am fine nothing is wrong, but that's all lies. I have this little world of mine, not my happy place but a dark place. Sometimes I get confused of whether I'm in my world or in reality. Sometimes I just don't know the difference. Now and then but rarely do I think I should stop cutting, but I just can't, it's like an addiction.. my silent addiction.
It's been 3days now since I left then house, I don't even leave my bedroom. I just can't seem to be bothered to do anything else then stay in bed and my room all day.. alone where I don't have to worry about anything else, unfortunately I do though, I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know why but I've taken to sitting in the dark.. with the curtains and blinds closed, it makes me feel safe I guess. Like nothing can hurt me.. yes I'm messed up.
I'm so sorry.. I'm sorry I self-harm... I'm sorry I cause you to worry.. I'm sorry I argue and fight... I'm sorry that I will never say “thank you”... I'm so sorry so much time and effort goes into helping me get better... but I still continue to do it... I'm sorry I'm not the girl I used to be, the happy smiley girl... I wish I could be.. I'm sorry for yelling... I'm sorry for hurting everyone.. I don't mean to.. I'm sorry for picking you to tell my secrets to... I'm sorry for hiding everything.. Instead of opening up and letting you in... I'm sorry I shut you out when you were only trying to help... I'm sorry if I make you upset.. .... I'm sorry for lying.. I'm sorry for acting like I don't care.. Because the truth is I do.. I'm so sorry.
I was about to take a bath and had my blade on the toilet seat..mum walked in... she saw my arms from yesterday which still had a little bit of blood on, she pushed straight past me and robbed my blade, leaving me standing there screaming at her to go away and give it back. Now I have nothing.. I'm so desperate! I hate it, I need my blade if not for cutting for comforting me. I feel safe when I have it.. I need it! Miss J emailed me back, I'm dying to tell her but I don't want to risk it and get kicked out. I don't know what to do! I'm going to have to go blade shopping on the way to school, i'll make a little pact with myself only to cut my legs, hips and stomach from now on.. not my arms.. God I hate this, I'm so desperate to tell someone!
I looked at mum's phone and she asked what I hope to gain from telling anyone, she thinks I just want attention on facebook and she doesn't think that thing that happened with a boy at school (he said he would rape me) was true or anything else I have said. My Auntie asked what I hope to achieve as well. I know now my grandma must think I just self-harmed for attention. Everything seems to be going wrong.. I'm not even sure I want the police to know anymore. I feel like I've done the wrong thing by telling anyone.
I can't believe he is denying it all! I hate him! He's in the council, I mean who are the police going to believe a messed up broken teenager or him?! I just give up with it.. don't even want to talk to the police or anybody anymore, wish I never said anything!
Hannahhh24 Hannahhh24
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

Baabe you know I'm always here to listen, no bothering at all :) inbox me if you need ANYTHING at all xx :*