I Always Thought, If It Helps Why Stop?...

I have been a self harmed as long as I can remember, when I was young it was never anything like cutting but I would stop eating and I became good at hiding it. I would also pinch, hit or bite myself to relieve pressure or frustration. It never occurred to me that it was self harm.

When I left primary school I noticed a change in my friends, they were not the same as they used to be and even my best friend and I grow apart.
After several failed friendships I gave up on them I was bullied a lot, by people who I had trusted and even called my best friends. I cut sometimes twice a day, at 12 years old. I knew what I was doing then and I didn't care, I wanted to die but I never cut where people could see because the teachers knew something was wrong with me, I missed a lot of school. When I was unset I could not speak, I had problems with panic attacks when I was upset and they scared me more than anything and that may seem silly if your have never had one but they are the worst, you can't breath you can't escape, my head felt like it was being kicked in, I'm claustrophobic because of panic attacks.

But it got better, I discovered books. I had never really read before but they were my escape. Eventually I made friends and I even become part of the 'popular' group, but as things go in these groups some weeks you are their best friends and others they all hated you, that was when I started cutting on my wrists, never deep enough to leave more than scratches but I helped. My friendships broke up and the two girls I trusted who I had told about my cutting hatted me, and I missed them. So I cut. A lot.

But by then I was doing well in school and it gave me confidence, so I did not give in, the bullies left me alone because I gave as good as I got and I worked my way up. I made friends with the best people I know, I love all of them. Two in particular, who may even be reading this. And I stopped cutting, I still hurt myself sometimes, but they were just small bruises. And I was happy.
Until my uncle died, we were pretty close, he could not have children so me and my brothers were like his own kids, he was the best man I knew, he inspired me so much and I miss him every day, but I knew he would not want me to cut, so I didn't. (No one in my family actually knows I cut, my mum has depression and It would kill her, but some of my friends know)

Then so stuff happened in school, I stood up to one teacher in particular, because she went against my morals and animals were getting hurt at school and I know my uncle would have been upset about how the school was treating animals so I protested. I was excluded, I had never had a problem before at school, and I cut again.
The teacher then got me put in inclusion even though I did not do what she accused me of, I am claustrophobic and I was locked in a room, so I had my first panic attack for about five years, and now I'm scared.

I have cut almost everyday since, my friends don't really know that, they don't see me like that, I hide behind my smile when I'm dying inside, I haven't given up though.
I'm scared of myself, and I am becoming more distant from my friends. I have never been afraid to die, I'm afraid of confinement and of ridicule.

I do not know what to do, I hate myself, and I constantly think about how my friends must be faking it, that they couldn't really like me. I'm broken, but I still try.

If anyone wants to talk, I'm here for you.
Allie423 Allie423
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

Guess what. You aren't alone. I'm also 16-17 and I hide behind a smile almost everyday, depression taking me in. Idk why, I have always been a happy bubbly person, and I still am!! Yet sometimes I just feel like some emo chick. I cut myself, not too deep, and I abuse myself. Almost none of my friends know I do this, only a few close friends... I enjoy things that are depressing like rain and sad music. I've always asked that same question, "if it helps why stop?" And I don't have an answer. It helps cope, so honestly, why should we stop? I guess because our bodies are "temples for God" and what not, but it's my body. I can decide what I want to do to it.