Inside This Cutter's Mind

I almost went to far. The urge was so strong, the feeling so nice. I wanted to keep going. Even after watching the blood flow. The way the one cut bled out made me scared it's rare that my cuts bleed like that. But even after that I still kept going. Till my wrist was almost full of open cuts. Some big some small. Even then part of me kept saying keep going, go all the way, make that one last slice. It was like a battle in my head. The need to survive, but the want to die. I didn't know what to do. I knew I should have stopped, I never should have started but, it was too much. If I hadn't have received a text I may have kept going. I'm not sure but part of me wanted to stay alive, but there's apart of me deeper inside that wanted to die. I've been cutting for so long now it's so natural. It's so easy to do it and not realize how bad I've gotten. I keep saying I want to stop, and I want to get better but I'm not so sure I do anymore. I think that I just want to disappear. If I get help and stop cutting the pain doesn't go away. It will just stay with me and suffocate me more. So what I'm starting to wonder is do I want help or do I just want it all to end. These feelings I don't think will ever go away. I'm starting to feel more and more like giving up. In the end what will it matter if I do or if I don't. I guess the more I keep living the more I'll struggle with thoughts like this. The more I cut the closer to harm I get. The longer I'm alive the more pain I'll feel.
deleted deleted
1 Response Jan 12, 2013

I'm so sorry you hurt that bad, Emoheart. And I know the feeling of wondering if I really want to quit cutting. What will I be, *who* will I be, if not Plaid-the-Cutter?

It's really rough in those moments when you go too far. Our perceptions of pain and pleasure and healing and hurt are all messed up; on a really hellacious day it can be so horribly easy to cross the line between "enough" and "too much".

I haven't got any real wisdom to impart. I'm not gonna offer inane suggestions like snapping a rubber band or holding ice. I'm sick of hearing 'em and I bet you are too. But I will tell you that you are not alone in this.

I think that's why I replied in the first place. To let you know that you're not alone, that others fight this battle. That I heard your words and understood what you said.

I'm sorry you hurt. I'm sorry you fight this battle. But you are not alone in it.

I wish you peace.