I Want To Give In Again (venting A Little And A Poem)

I 'quit' a year and a half ago. Gave in again exactly a week ago. I told myself I wouldnt again. I cant go down that path. It's too hard to hide. Its self destructive. I can't break that promise I made to myself again. I cant break the promise I made to others again. I can't give in. I'm stronger than this addiction!!!!!
Or am I?
Pain has struck again, and I just long for the cut. I long to bleed. I long to take the easy way and just cut. Bleeding always helps. Even if I hate myself after, the pain it relieves makes it worth it.
But I can't.
I was so proud when I reached a year and 6 months. I felt so disappointed in myself 2 days later when I broke that streak.
I can't give in.
But the need is so strong. Gah.

I look at the cuts from a week ago,
they're starting to fade.
I want to make them new
make them red
make them flow.
The pain is coming up
as they are fading.
I need the stripes
I need the scars
I need the bloody sea.

I scratch at them
to see if I can even get the pain.
It's gone.
They do nothing for me anymore.

I look at all my scars,
all 82 of them.
82 freaking scars.
And 5 new cuts.
Isn't that enough?
haven't I mutilated my body enough?
Why am I not satisfied?
Are the scars too small?
Are they too old?
Why can't the pain go away?
WHY?
Why must it TORTURE me?

My life isn't that bad.
Sure, I have stress
Sure, I'm a mom to my own damn mother.
Sure I hate her boyfriend
Sure, school is stressful
Sure, I hate my 'friends'
Sure, I hate everyone who lies about caring
But it's not that much.
I can handle it.
I can.

I'm strong, not weak.
I can.. I WILL survive.
I am stronger than this addiction!

But the knife just stares at me
Smiling at me with its gleam of light.
Begging for me to take a step closer.
"Just one more.
Now reach out, good girl.
Take me in your hand.
Tear a crack in the earth.
Make the water flow."

In the end, I give in.
Not like anyone will notice.
Not like anyone will care
So why not?
There is no reason not to
and every reason to.

My one and only friend
You kill me yet heal me.
You're opening scars
to close the wounds inflicted
upon my soul.
I love you yet
despise you.
My one and only friend.
My enemy.
The blade.

Truecat369 Truecat369
18-21, F
Jan 21, 2013