I'm sorry, I hate being here. But I need to get some things off my chest before I do something stupid.
I am 67 days clean, and I don't want to reset the number, but I know I probably will tonight.
Five months ago, my best friend died of sudden cardiac arrest. Since then, everything has gone downhill and I'm falling apart.
My other best friend of twelve years has not spoken to me in almost four months. Today was the first day of school and we have half of our classes together. I was hoping this had been some miscommunication thing, but she refuses to acknowledge my existence. I have no idea what happened. I have no idea what I did. But she will not give me the time of day.
I had one relapse on June 12th after finding out I failed five classes and may not graduate high school. My boyfriend was away in Boston for his college orientation and no one was talking to me because I had let them all down. I was so angry, I cut until the blood loss made me dizzy.
A few weeks ago, I found out that I was pregnant. I am only a high school senior, my boyfriend (aka the father) is moving across the country, I didn't know what to do. He was out of town again, this time in Seattle for his sister's wedding. He was due to return a few days after I found out, so I was prepping myself to tell him that he was going to be a daddy.
But only a few days later, I suffered a miscarriage at 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. My baby never stood a chance and I am suffering every second of every day for it because I blame myself for it. This was the day before he came home. I should have told him the day he got back, but I couldn't do it. I had to figure out the best way to tell him.
Two days ago, he broke up with me. Our relationship had grown stronger than ever in the last two weeks, but on Sunday, he told me that he just couldn't do it anymore (he's leaving in nine days, and he couldn't handle long distance.) I was going to tell him about the miscarriage that day because we were in a quiet place where no one was around. I hinted at the topic, but I could tell something was very wrong, so I shut down and stopped saying anything. He broke up with me an hour later.
Last night he told me he loved me, which is why he had to do what he did, and that I didn't understand. We fought all night long. We love each other, but the pressure finally got to him, I guess. I'm not angry at him. I just want to know he's okay, but he's completely shut down and won't talk to anyone.
The guilt about not telling him about the miscarriage finally broke me, so I just texted him telling him that I needed to tell him about something for a while, and that, through text is not the way I wanted to do it, but he needed to know and since I may never see him again, this was going to have to do. But he won't respond. I don't expect him to.
So now I'm sitting here, able to pinpoint exactly where my blade it, trying to figure out why I haven't gotten it yet. I don't want to, but I can't take the pressure any more.
I will probably relapse tonight. And for that I am truly sorry. But I don't know what else to do. I'm lost and alone and I want the man I love to come back to me, but he's given up on us.
I would rather feel a pain I can control than the pain of a heartbreak.
- Reeses
ReesesPeaces ReesesPeaces
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 20, 2014

**** all those ********!!!