I'm Dying.

Hey! My name's Audra. I'm 13 years old. I've had a pretty tough life. :/ I never knew my mum or dad , and the adopted mother that I got is abusive. I've been cutting my wrists and legs ever since I was in first grade. I began popping pills in third. I didn't understand why everyone bullied me so much until I realized that they were right. I am hideous, I am fat, and I do deserve to die. Today, I am still cutting. And honestly, I don't think anything can stop me.
mylifeishomestuck mylifeishomestuck
13-15, T
5 Responses Dec 16, 2012

Baby girl, you are precious. Every girl is. My mother was horrible. I wanted to die for many years and still struggle with that sometimes. You deserve not only to live, but to be protected. I know you can't take the anger out on them, but allow yourself to feel angry at the parents who deserted and abuse you. They have so much hate from all the misery they have been through. It is not you: it's them. The problem is not that there's something wrong with you; it's that they are very, very sick. Truly, in a deep psychological way. Finding happiness is VERY possible, don't give up. Don't ever, ever, ever give up. I had to learn, over time, and still have to work hard to practice, to be my own mother to myself--the mother (or parent) that I deserved, that EVERY little girl deserves, no matter what. There is nothing you could do or say or no way you could be that you would EVER deserve abuse. You deserve to hugs, to be held, kindness, understanding, compassion, support, and joy. You deserve to comfort and compassion, somebody to cry with you and for you and to soothe you. Since the cruel adults in your life have failed miserably at doing their job for you, start with doing this for yourself. When you feel hurt about something, give yourself permission to curl up in a ball on a comfy bed and cry. Wrap your arms around yourself, stroke your head and your hair softly. This helps me a lot. Tell yourself that, no matter what anyone tells you, THIS what you deserve. And remind yourself that there are good people who do care, and that you will be able to find them one day, maybe sooner than you think. Picture somebody else comforting you in this way, like you deserve. Visualization of something that is very possible helps to give you the strength and courage to go on until it comes/you find it. You also deserve to do things that make you happy. And kind people to do them with. It is all possible. You didn't deserve this cruel life, and it doesn't have to stay this way. It might take a long time to get away, and I'm so sorry for that, but there is lots of hope. There are people who will love you and be good to you and like you for EXACTLY who and how you are.

I'm so sorry

you should see my arms. completely hacked to pieces. one inscentive to stop could be that hospitals are horrible. i've been in there 4 times with attempted suicide. i know this sounds whack, but try to stop for the sakes of the rest of us self-harmers. I'm trying, but i fear it's to late for me to stop.
but don't take my word for it. do this for you, because unlike me, you're a wonderful person. please don't ruin your life.
by the way, i'm also 14, so can you relate to me?

Your 13! You shouldnt be doing stuff like that, everyones beautiful and as people say people with a bad childhood will have a good future,i know what it feels like,i was abused by my dad because I wasnt pretty enough for him to love me and i've been bullied all my life and I only have 3 friends,but stay strong,

Hi darling. Let me tell you something: like linds13 said, everyone is special and beautiful in their own way. Not so long ago, I thought the same thing about me, that i was fat, ugly, basically a failure and that i deserved to die. And you are not alone, even though it may seem that way for the moment. That's something I realised just not long ago. And don't be ashamed to ask for help. Easier said than done, I know, but everyone, everyone can go through moments like this and it will get better. But you need help, it's obvious. People love you, I'm sure but you just need to reach out.. I think. And I know its hard to stop cutting, but you need to... I know that cutting seems like the only way to express what you feel deep inside, all the anger, sadness but there are other ways. Paint, draw your feelings, it doesnt have to be coherant or beautiful, it could be rough lines, a dark cloud, anything. You could sing, or tear paper... Those are a few things that help me. And I hope thay can help you too maybe. And for the cuts, there is one thing that could help you. At least it did for me: get some removable tattoos of butterflies or a bird... And tatto it near the spot where you often cut. And if you nedd to, cover yourself in them ; a few on the legs, another few on the arms. That way when you feel like cutting, look at the butterfly or bird and tell yourself that if you want to cut, you'll break the butterfly... I hope this might help. Or if you can't get tattoos you could draw the butterfly... But sweetie, get help, the soon as possibe. You deserve to be happy, everyone does. And if you ever need to talk or anything Im there. Send me a message and spill. I can hear lots of stuff. Stay strong, things will get better, just reqch out a little, to anyone. Hugs xxx Xxxilaxx