My Scars Won't Fade Away

I'm 14 years old, and I've been cutting since I was 11. I'm not even sure if I'm actually depressed, but it really feels like it. And I'm not saying that to be a typical whiny teenager.

I hate myself immensely, and I cut to punish myself. I feel I deserve to be punished for being such a disappointment on everyone. My grades are going down from A's to C's, I never want to get out of bed, I cry all the time, and my parents even make jokes about the times I smile now since they say I barely do it. I haven't cut in a week and I'm proud of myself, but I feel empty. Like I have no emotions or feelings anymore. And my scars won't fade... let's just say I can never wear a dress that goes above the knees or shorts anymore. I ruined everything. I want to kill myself, but I don't have the courage to do it. One of these days I will.

I told my dad I always feel down - I never told him everything - and he said it's just teen hormones. Maybe it is, but I just think teen hormones aren't as bad as this. I told my best friend EVERYTHING. She said she's here for me, then completely blew it off. She asked me if I still go to the guidance councelor not long ago, and I said yes, and she laughed. I didn't think self harm was very funny.

I just don't want my parents questioning why I feel bad and I definitely don't want to tell them about the cutting. They'll be so disappointed, or they'll think they did something wrong when it really wasn't their fault.

I just feel absolutely horrible all the time for no reason, that's a reason I think I'm not depressed either. But I still want to feel better. I'll try to ride it out, but if this continues I'm going to reach my breaking point.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it
rebstone rebstone
1 Response May 2, 2012

they are not normal teenage hormones, you have a problem thatis not even your fault. It is not good to talk to friends about it because they cant relate but a proper counsellor is good because you sound like you can be helped so good luck