My Scars Won't Fade Away

I'm 14 years old, and I've been cutting since I was 11. I'm not even sure if I'm actually depressed, but it really feels like it. And I'm not saying that to be a typical whiny teenager.

I hate myself immensely, and I cut to punish myself. I feel I deserve to be punished for being such a disappointment on everyone. My grades are going down from A's to C's, I never want to get out of bed, I cry all the time, and my parents even make jokes about the times I smile now since they say I barely do it. I haven't cut in a week and I'm proud of myself, but I feel empty. Like I have no emotions or feelings anymore. And my scars won't fade... let's just say I can never wear a dress that goes above the knees or shorts anymore. I ruined everything. I want to kill myself, but I don't have the courage to do it. One of these days I will.

I told my dad I always feel down - I never told him everything - and he said it's just teen hormones. Maybe it is, but I just think teen hormones aren't as bad as this. I told my best friend EVERYTHING. She said she's here for me, then completely blew it off. She asked me if I still go to the guidance councelor not long ago, and I said yes, and she laughed. I didn't think self harm was very funny.

I just don't want my parents questioning why I feel bad and I definitely don't want to tell them about the cutting. They'll be so disappointed, or they'll think they did something wrong when it really wasn't their fault.

I just feel absolutely horrible all the time for no reason, that's a reason I think I'm not depressed either. But I still want to feel better. I'll try to ride it out, but if this continues I'm going to reach my breaking point.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it
rebstone rebstone
3 Responses May 2, 2012

oh you poor dear. Even if your dad says it's teen hormones he is missing the mark here. big time!! You clearly have depression and you do not need to be suffering like you are. Believe me, once you get the help that you need you will feel so much better. And you won't feel so alone. You may hate the idea of telling your parents the whole truth and having to explain it all to them. I get it. i was a teenager once. But you may be surprised and what may come from it. So it's a little awkward and uncomfortable for a few minutes, but how does that compare to the misery you feel everyday suffering in silence? If they really understand the extent of your pain, and you are open with them about it then they will understand and help. As a parent of a teen myself, it's really hard to understand what your teens are going through. Teens hide a lot of their emotions. So be honest with them and give them a chance.<br />
If however, they are dismissive and don't get you help then that's when you turn to your school. Has your counselor mentioned a school therapist? Most if not all schools have them. <br />
<br />
Bottom line.... You have a disorder that needs to be addressed and treated. By a professional. So please don't be hard on yourself. It's not your fault. You don't have control over it because it's out of your control. Just like someone who has Asthma- You don't tell them to just get over it do you? No, because they can't! they need medicine.<br />
And you may need medicine too. and therapy! But it will get better. So long as you reach out to others who can help. <br />
Nevermind the friend! Forget about her. You don't want friends like that anyway.<br />
<br />
Hang in there kiddo!

Maybe you can get a therapist? Or talk to a teacher at school?

I know how you feel,<br />
Hopefully it changed.