Hiding Behind Scars? Not Anymore.. Technically...

I guess it all started about 5 years ago... I started getting really bad Anxiety. Panic Attacks daily, sometimes hourly. I was pretty much living a nightmare. I went to see plenty of Doctors and no one knew what my problems was. "Its a Migrane!" "It's a Sinus infection" "It's just a cold!" "You have a thyroid disease!" -None of which were right. Finally I saw a Doctor who was smart enough to bring up Anxiety. He handed me papers and papers on Anxiety- I had ALL the symptoms. I saw a counselor for a few years and she helped a little but not enough.
After dealing with the anxiety for about a year or so, I started getting depression. I'm still struggling with it. That was back about 4 years ago. I would cut myself then, and then eventually It got me nowhere, so I stopped. The cuts healed pretty fast, too so no one ever really noticed. Recently (December and January) I started getting my depression back-this time it was really bad. Thankfully, I started hanging out with a wonderful man, Tony, in December (well we met two years before- we just never really talked much- He is friends with my brother too, so I've seen him quite a bit.) and he never noticed the cuts until after we started dating. He joined the airforce before we started hanging, but left for Basic Training about a month after we started dating. Up until the day he left, he would check my arms to make sure I wasn't still cutting. He constantly asked why I would do it and said that If I hurt- then he's not happy. He was truly wonderful. Even while he was at Basic, He sent letters and sometime's the letters brought up how I better not be hurting myself anymore. I did one small little cut about two weeks after he left... But I stopped myself because I knew how disappointed he would be. Now that that the weather is getting nicer and warmer- I want to wear short sleeved shirts. I would always wear long sleeved shirts and sweatshirts. Now, everyone's pointing out my scars and they constantly ask what happened.. and where it came from. For a while there I lied and said they were cat scratches...some people were gullible enough to believe it... but some were just too smart. There are 5 scars on my arm. I don't know how to get rid of them either. I'm sick of people asking me what happened. I think my parents see them sometimes- but I look at them, and they look like they're too afraid to ask any questions. I've tried to use cover-up and plenty of make-up on them but they're still there... When they were open cuts- i would spray them with disinfectant and cover them in neosporin so they wouldn't leave scars or get infected or anything- but I still have scars..I just have scars on my left arm and I don't know what to do...cause it's been almost five months now and they are all still there. I've never taken this long to heel... Im usually a very quick heeler!
I still battle with depression- but when I get depressed I just text my boyfriend because I feel like he's the only one that can make my depression go away. He doesn't make it go completely, but It's nice to know that someone can actually help.
I used to have this friend and he would help me with everything...but we just stopped hanging out randomly. We talk once in a great while now and I kind of hate it.
I stopped the cutting because I realize I don't want to be hidden in scars. Yes, cutting myself was the only pain that was actually real and physical but Tony taught me that it's something you shouldn't do just because of Depression- or Anxiety- or Something bad that has happened in your past.
I am thankful that I have someone there for me, too. I've noticed that the people who say stuff about my scars actually care and don't want me to do it anymore. I've noticed that cutting myself is just not worth it beause it hurts others too. It hurts the only ones I care about and there's not many of them.. Four people at most.

The only depression I get anymore is when I feel alone because Tony's not here. He was the only person I would go to for help..He listened and understood. I feel like I have no one here with me that can help me, and since he's miles and miles away- there is no one. I never really get panic attacks anymore, once in a great while but they're small.. Ive actually recently cleaned out my room. I took every sharp object out of my room and threw them away. Now I'm not as tempted either.

If anyone reads this and is still battling with depression and you feel like you have no one to talk to- Please message me. I'll help. Talking to a friend, or even someone who goes through what you go through helps a lot! Who needs counselors and psychologists?! They only take your money.. Talk to a friend. It helped me.
xoADxoTLxo xoADxoTLxo
18-21, F
May 6, 2012