It Started More Than A Year Ago...

My Dad run out of the house. He said we were all a mistake, these 30 years of marriage and me and my 5 brothers and sisters were all mistakes, he had wasted his life on us, during this 30 years he tried to leave my mom for other women 4 times, but this time he really did it.
That was a year and a half ago, six months after that my crush told me she liked my friend, and decided she would start going out with him and leave me behind. That night I did it for the first time, i took the kitchen knife and cut it clean. after that I burned myself on the scars.
My mom noticed 2 days after i had done it, and took me to a therapist. It all worked well, I stopped.
Or that's what I told everybody.
Really, I never stopped. I told my therapist I was fine, I told my mum I was fine, I told my friends I was fine. I really was fine!! ...But I just couldn't stop! It wasn't about being sad anymore, it was about feeling the blood, feeling the pain drip, feeling the power. And it's still about that.
I've got a beautiful girlfriend now, I've got amazing friends, a nice (slightly broken) family, BUT I JUST CAN'T STOP. Whenever I feel something hard, I do it. Anything! I just NEED to do it! It makes me feel alive!
BJxp BJxp
18-21, M
2 Responses Apr 18, 2012

if you are doing that to get rid of the pain, look at it like this, it's your own body to hurt when you do this .. but the ones around you get hurt emotionally .. and every time you feel the thrill of your own flesh splitting and blood gushing out taking away your pains .. remember that the pain is not lost, it's just poured in the hearts of those who love you .. they may not know now, but they will find out someday and they will feel they are the ones at fault ..<br />
If you are doing it because you have violent impulses you can't express because you always have been a good person, I suggest you try playing combat sports .. it will take the urges away .. worked for one of my friends who used to smack his fists into the wall till getting hurt .. <br />
if you are doing it for are doing it to get back at those who hurt you like your father or the girl that left you, believe me .. you are just hurting your ownself .. and if they'd care the slightest bit about you, they wouldn't have done this .. it's like you are punishing yourself for their mistakes .. so either you deep down believe it was kind of your mistake, which I totally don't agree with, or you are just acting stupid , well sorry about that.<br />
I just don't want you to come 30 years later after losing the trust and love of those around you and say " last 30 years have been a mistake" .. sorry I was abit hard but I believe deep down you believe it's stupid and that you want to get rid of it but it turned out to be more like a habit, a compulsion you can't resist .. an addiction .. and if it's like this, if you have an addiction you can't get sober from .. you just gotta replace it with less harmful one .. I leave the choice to you ..<br />
hope you really stop because despite how hard your past may have been, things are getting better for you, and this time, if things got screwed you got no one to blame but yourself.

Oh my god, thank you. Really thank you. I feel like I know you. Your words really touched me. I'll do it. I'll do my best to stop, I swear. I was really punishing myself for their mistakes, it's just something I do, I always take the blame for others, becasue I was strong enough to endure it. But now I see this has gone too far. Really, thank you.

I am really having a huge smile and pounding heart thanks to you, I will always still wait for you till you say you really think it's all a strange funny memory, coz only then I ll know you completely got over it .. and I am really offering help, if you want someone to check your daily progress or someone to talk to you about things so they won't bottle up or needed anything .. feel free to send me a message anytime .. and please don't do things as taking the blame for others .. you don't need to go that far, just caring about others is way more than good .. but you should care for yourself first .. and you should really appreciate the one that you are, the person who , even when did do something wrong, deep inside had always had good intentions and a great heart .. I am gonna do my best and check up on you now and then .. be strong , and really thanks for this happiness and smile .. I am now sure that you can have happiness, coz one who lacks can't give .. and you already gave me today's share of it.

So, I don't want to judge because I feel everyone should be able to express themselves without ridicule. However, you speak of this like a drug addict speaks of drugs. I think you might be repressing feelings by cutting yourself instead of actually dealing with what's going on. Might want to find a better way of dealing with stuff. 10 or 15 years from now having a ton of scars probably won't seem okay. In fact, I have a friend who is super self conscious about it from the same thing. You can find a less permanent way of dealing with your emotions without hurting yourself.

Thanks, I'm trying to get help. I really am. I see it that way too, I feel like it's a drug and I'm addicted to it. I just need to stop, but I don't know how. How do I deal with the pain? How do I get all these things out of my insides?