I Hate It But I Need It.

So I started cutting in 6th grade. I had stopped, and didn't cut my entire 7th grade year. But this year, 8th grade, I'm that "weird girl." I get stared at and called emo and a freak. I relapsed after the first week of school. I never cut my wrists though. Only my shoulder and around my ankle; places that weren't obvious and were easily hidden. I never really saw what I was doing as cutting because it felt like it was just tiny little cuts, they didn't matter, I'm not like the people who cut their wrists. But I realized that I WAS. And I didn't want to be. I talked to my boyfriend about it and whenever I'm upset I just call him and most of the time he talks me out of cutting, but sometimes it doesn't work. I made my best friend take my razor away from me, and I get these horrible urges. When they hit and I can't cut, I go into fetal position on the ground and rock back and forth, sobbing. I don't know what to do when this happens. It takes about a half an hour for the urge to go away. And sometimes it doesn't go away until I have some sort of release. I feel guilty when I'm happy because I don't think I deserve to be happy. I hate feeling like this. It's like I'm trying to climb out of a hole that keeps dragging me back down, suffocating me, getting rid of all my common sense and makng me feel worthless. I hate it. I wish I could have a way out, but not suicide. I'd never consider that. I just need someone to talk to because my friends don't understand. :/
xkenziekatx xkenziekatx
13-15, F
2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Remember what miley said? Forget the haters cause somebody love ya.
Listen dear, everyone's deserve to be happy. No matter how old they are, how needy they are, they deserve that. You can write the positive things you have on a paper and read it loudly in front of your mirror every morning. Be confident and just be yourself.

It sounds stupid, but instead of cutting try screaming into your pillow or punching your mattress until you are worn out. Don't feel bad being happy, we all deserve to be. Try not to worry about what other people think, they only judge you because they are insecure with themselves .