Hello. I am Bailey. I am seventeen years old. I started cutting myself when I was fourteen. The first time I did it, I used a key. I carved someone's initials into my forearm. My mom found out and got really mad. Not sad, just angry. Well, I started again when I was fifteen and cut for a couple months around once a week. Then again when I was sixteen, and stopped, and now here I am again. The thing is, now I have an amazing boyfriend whom has been here for me as my best friend for four years. We have been officially together for one year now. He's wonderful. I am completely happy with him, but he feels like a failure as a boyfriend and best friend because I feel the need to hurt myself. But he doesn't realize that it's not him at all. He tries to help, but nothing does. When I feel the urge, my wrists itch until I give in. I just can't stop. I think it really started becoming an addiction,or habit, whenever I was fifteen. I lived with my mom and my little brother, who is autistic. He is completely nonverbal and very difficult to care for. When I was fourteen, my mom divorced my brother's dad. We moved into a new house and my newly single mom wanted to party constantly. So it was really just my brother and I. She would take us to school in the morning, come home and sleep all day, pick us up, drop us off at home, and leave until it was time to take us to school the next morning. It was a sad and lonely existence. She was also an alcoholic, so sometimes when she was really drunk, her friends would take her home early. She'd come in the house screaming mad. She would wake me up by slamming my door open or throwing chairs at my walls. She would scream at me for nothing. And it would always be awful things. The things that stuck in my mind the most were the time she told me that I ruined her life and that I needed to get out of it, and the time she called me a "stupid fat *****" when I was fourteen. I would be so scared and crying and lying awake all night in bed, waiting for her to throw something else or say something else that was emotionally scarring. Then, every single time, the next morning she would act like she didn't remember anything, and she'd go on like nothing happened, and then she'd break down and cry when she realized I was upset with her. She'd always swear it wouldn't ever happen again. And of course, it always did. The same exact way. This always made me feel that things were my fault and that her life would be better off without me. That's when the cutting got intense. But now, I don't live with my mom and I only see her about once a month or so. So I'm not sure why my cutting has gotten so sever again. Maybe the memories. Maybe the deep yearning I have for a real mother that will support me emotionally. Maybe the wish I have that I could've had a real family. I don't know. But I want to stop. And I can't. I need something. Or someone. Help me. Please.
Baileywelch12 Baileywelch12
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 15, 2014

That is really sad. I would just stop. Try to ignore the bad memories and think about the good ones. Also try the Butterfly Project. It is where you draw a butterfly where you plan to cut. I hope I help. :)

You have to like erase everything all the hurt. Everything and see it all different. U need a new mind set. Yo know every single person in this world doesn't see it like the next person. Everyone has their own view on life. Change yours. Change the way you see the way other people hurt you. Try to figure out there past, things connect . Life is so complex it's more deeper then what is displayed. There's layers and layers and layers. You need to peel em all and uncover the truth and be on top of the truth. That gives you confidence cuz your controlling it all. Start jogging, eating clean, associating with good people. Those bad thing that happen to you. Are out of your control. But the way you react to them. You have total control over that. So handle it. Do it. You can do it. Just say no more. No more . I refuse to cut no more. Why? It's not guna make me happy? Just stop the cutting! Pray about it. Just preten you don't even cut at all. You have a bf that loves you, I know it hurts him EVERYTIME you do it, so stop. It hurts him, it hurts you. It's a vicious cycle.