I Can't Believe I Started Again

I haven't cut in nearly two years. There have been some times where I really wanted to, but I stopped myself. I went to a therapist in grade 12 and found ways to make myself happier. My life was going so well. Then last night, I was having such a bad day. I capped it off by breaking a glass, and as I cleaned it up, it occurred to me to cut myself with the pieces of glass. I spent half an hour cutting. I felt so guilty and ashamed. The years I spent getting over it were completely thrown away. But I promised myself it was just this one time. Then I did it again tonight. Every time I stop cutting, I always come back to it eventually. I worry I'll never be able to stop, so I might as well just accept it. I feel so depressed and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel really unloved. But how can I expect anyone else to love me when I can't even love myself?

ness89 ness89
22-25, F
10 Responses Mar 4, 2009

You can stop. I haven't cut in two years, I don't even think about it anymore. It's just a matter to focusing on the good things in life and remembering that things are never as bad as they seem. I'm sorry you don't feel like anyone takes your suffering seriously. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

I know how u feel i've been cutting everysince i was 13 and now im 24 when I cut I feel so ashamed and guilty of myself. I tried to stop but I can't stop no matter how hard I try I can't. I tried to get help and no one would help me they take it as a joke and it seems like I only have myself to talked to.

Have you tried to help someone else? It is what gets me through. Focusing on helping someone even weaker than myself.<br />
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What gives you real joy? Not just a respite from emotional pain but real joy?

i do the same, and to tell you no matter what you think you are loved........ from a 15 year old girl i say your doing good by trying to sto pand if you hate the feeling try doing somthing less drastic for a while until you can quit it i really dont klnow what ele to tell you but ui am in a simelar situation and maybe we can help each other

hey i to am a cutter of many years on and off. Im away at college and living with a room mate so i know how things can be tense. but what you wrote really touched home cause i always think the same thing. that since i cant love myself how could anyone else love me? i know how badly this al hurts. so i am here if you need to talk <br />
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take care

life can be full of changes...for you and for your roomate...

I'm away at University so I live in a dorm with a roommate. We've lived together for 2 years and she's like a sister to me, but these past couple days things have seemed tense between us. I was making an extra effort to be nice to her today and just now she ignored me and left without telling me where she was going or inviting me along like she normally would. I don't know if I did something or what. I can't stand it when I feel like we're fighting.

are you on your own now? or do you still live with your parents?<br />
<br />
the guilt you feel is normal , but unnecessary. Your copping mecanisms are quite different then mainstream but you are not alone

It always makes me feel better, calmer, and makes me forget what was bothering me. But then I start to feel incredibly guilty, and then I get really sore, and then I start to worry about how I'm going to hide it, and I fear that I'll do it again. So I guess it initially produces a positive sensation until I start to think about it, and then I feel bad.<br />
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As for the physical pain, not really. My parents spanked me when I was young, but not very often and not very hard.

First of all...<br />
<br />
people love you even if you do NOT love yourself.<br />
<br />
if i may ask some ..personal questions...<br />
<br />
does the cutting produce a positive sensation or a negative one?<br />
<br />
have you ever experienced physical pain as a punishement?