It's Not Just A "teenage Thing."

It's not just a teenage thing to feel worthless all the time. It's not just a teenage thing to feel this insercure. It's not just a teenage thing to want to cut because you feel that's your only opition.
2 weeks ago, I cut. Once again. I was doing good and then I got overwelmed, stuff started to unfolded & next thing I know I'm seating on the floor of the bathtub with tears rolling down my face & a knife in the palm of my hand.
Now, I can't stop. I think about it all the time. It's always on my mind. I tell people I'm fine, but they know I'm not. Maybe if I say "I'm fine" enough time I'll start to believe it & so will they. I know it's not healthy to be doing this. I know it harms a lot. Well, at least so I'm told. I feel like a jerk for putting the people that care about me through hell but life's hard. Not just "teenage drama" but actually messed up things are going on. With a every cut, time stop & the tears cease. But it's not helping. I want to cut all the time. Not just my forearm any more but everything.
This scares the living day lights out of me. Because this tells me that I can't control it & I need help.
I don't want help but I don't want to set in my own **** either. I hate talking about my problems because I fell like there is nobody that cares that much to hear me talk about how bad my life is or how much I rather go die sometimes.
Who really cares anyways? I sure in the hell don't care about me. & I know all those other peole say they do, but do they really? Would they listen to me talk about the stuff REALLY going on & not just the fake smile plastered to my face? Do they really care or are they just trying to make me feel better?
When **** happens I rather pull out that knife than talk, write, pray or anything healther. I rather just cut my own flesh because I'm just that worthless.
Thanks for reading guys! I really appericate it!
Esterlyn Esterlyn
13-15, F
Nov 30, 2012