Its Not A Thing A Rational Person Should Be Doing

For starters, I just want to say that if you knew me, you would have no idea that I cut. I normally project a happy and warm personality. I dont know why I cut and I don't recall when I first started cutting, but I do remember the feeling: numb, calm, and generally uncaring. It was just three little slices on my lower calf the first time, but immediately after I felt like I was crazy and that I should be taken to a psych ward in the hospital. I knew this wasn't a rational or reasonable thing for me to do. II was afraid that if anyone saw the cuts, they would refer me to my high schools guidance counselor, which I didn't want. So I hid the razor and didn't think about it until last week....

Now I'm in college, taking summer courses and living alone on campus. I've reached an emotional low and last Tuesday I just got a sudden, overwhelming urge to cut myself. I didn't have any sharp objects, like broken glass or knives, but I did have a disposable razor. I was so desperate that I broke apart the razor head with my teeth, cutting my lips in the process.

The entire time I was doing this, I kept telling myself that I didn't NEED to be doing this. Cutting WASN'T healthy and I would PROBABLY keep cutting if I started up again. Its like a tuned myself out. I was so calm and uncaring when I started to cut my legs, it scared me. Before ,when I cut for the first time, I only did three cuts because I was hesitant and unsure. But now I had over thirty small cuts on my leg and I had to force myself to stop. They weren't deep, but they were bleeding nicely.

Right after I internet searched 'Why am I cutting'? I don't understand why I did it, I still don't understand why. I can't help but hear my dads voice in my head going 'You did it for attention. You just want attention. It has to be all about you.' and I'm starting to believe it. But I try really hard to hide them. Its been 75-80 degrees all week long and all I've been wearing is jeans. My friend on campus, who had also cut before, suspects me I think. But shes gone, along with my other two friends, for two weeks while they are on vacation.

I feel like when Im left alone, Im more prone to cutting myself. Im starting to get nervous because I feel the urge all the time now. I've just been feeling so low lately. I've missed four of my classes and had to drop out of a course just because I couldn't make myself move to go. I know I should get help, but I feel like they will just tell me to grow up and stop cutting or that there is nothing wrong with me and Im just an attention seeker.

I've asked my mother a few times before, when I was younger, if I could go see a psychologist, but she just told me that I could and never really pursued it. I brought it up with her last week and she just kind of shrugged it off. I really want to just show her my legs and say 'Please help.' but I feel like that only goes with my fear of being an attention seeker.

Im not sure what to do, Im afraid this is going to end badly. I cut again today and they were much deeper than the ones before. I wish this story had a happy ending, but it doesnt.
jahago jahago
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 22, 2010

I'm sorry your mom isn't taking it seriously and you suspect your dad would say you did it for attention. This is not a time to not have the support of your parents. Maybe your mom shrugs it off because she is in denial since you seem normal on the outside...even so she should have taken you more seriously all those times you asked. If you don't want to tell her about the cutting then try having a heart to heart with her and really stress how important this is so she can help you find a phsycologist. If she still doesn't take it seriously or you think she won't then find a phsycologist without her. ratemds.com is a site I use to read user reviews and find good doctors so I don't end up with an *******. Either way please please get help soon because, believe me I know, the longer you continue the harder it is to stop.