A Relapse, A Girl Who Fell Again.

These stories are for all of us to learn something and share, and I've been cutting for a long time and never really shared online, please be gentle with me this is my first post ever.

SO tonight after the blood stopped running down my sides and my husband's fallen asleep, I'm posting my story.

I'm a cutter. I've been cutting on and off since I was 16. At first I cut because I thought I was alone and I had no friends. I was sent away from my parents young because they thought that it would be cure me of my cutting. I went away to live with my grandmother to finish high school and later college across the country.
I've had episodes when I'd cut myself so much I'd have to be sedated and hospitalized. After years of cutting and therapy, when I think all is well and I haven't cut for months, I'll have a low day and reach for the blade. 

My method of choice is a box cutter. There's something about one of those industrial blades, that when you unwrap and twirl in your fingers that gives me a high. There's something about blood that makes me forget all the stress and anger and happiness in my life and makes everything go away. Christ, I have no idea how it's happened but I'm a medical professional- A medical technologist actually, and I see blood everyday, I test it. God help me, I hate it and love it all at the same time. It's so sickening.

I hate the feeling of when I've cut until I can't cut anymore and left with big ugly gashes all over my skin. I learned my lesson young and never cut deep anymore.  I almost died once and have the huge keloid scar right across my left forearm... if you're reading this you're probably like me and you know never to do that again. Now there are patches of shallow scratches on my skin, broken and bleeding. I can't believe I can still let myself give into this insanity. I can't believe that 10 years has passed and I still have the urge to cut. Tonight after a amazingly horrible day at work and an irrational fight with my spouse, I excused myself to the bathroom, broke apart a shaver and sliced the side of my body till the blood leaked through my shirt. When I came back he was asleep.

My husband doesn't understand. He knows it's my past and believes it remains there. It's been about an hour since I cut and I'm suddenly at a loss. I had therapy session about WHY I do this to myself and how to STOP. Hell,I've sat in a room with other cutters and seen much more severe cases of cutting then mine, a couple of times with girls 1/2 my age and felt like this entire phase I'm going through was the stupidest thing in the entire world.

I guess for the split second in my mind when the blade touches my skin I seem to forget all that I'm feeling. I always cut slow and straight sometimes for 10 to 30 minutes watching it bleed and then I'm calm. Calm enough at least to open my PC and write this story. Tomorrow when I wake up and wash my cuts and my husband sees it, I feel like I'll fall apart. I haven't cut now in 2 years. My old scars are barely there, and now a whole new set marks me.

Are there any other older cutters out there that have relapses? How do you feel? How do you get over this?

Help. I feel 16 all over again.

sugarcoatedsour sugarcoatedsour
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 24, 2010

i am 34 years old and had not cut myself in over 5 yrs. About a month ago i cut myself and felt an instance relief but then felt confused about why i would scar my body again. im married and have 2 children. they know about my issues and i told my husband i relapsed, hoping he would understand but he told me to stop. WOW i wish it was that easy.....ive cut myself about once a week i feel that if i have no control with what happens around me i can atleast control the way i cut and if it hurts its okay because i'm hurting myself not anyone else. i wish i knew why after soooo many years i started this little hobby again. even though i hate seeing the scars i find it very hard to fight the feeling when it comes. i want help but don't know where to get it. society seems to look down on people like us yet even criminals get a little bit more understanding than we do.

I'm an old cutter who had a relaps 2 months ago. It had been a year since I cut and I was so ashamed of myself that I had screwed up. When I first started cutting I was 19 and continued till I was 21 where I stopped for a year. After turning 22 I started on and off again till I stopped for another year. Just when I think I'm over it something happens and I snap. I've been fighting the urge on a couple of occations in these past 2 months after I cut. I don't really have a solution I just do my best to distract myself any way I can when I get these feelings. I wish I had better advise. :(