I Didn't Get It... Now I Do.

It was the same with my depression, I never got how people could end up feeling that way until I felt it myself. I never you know made fun of people witht depression or who self-harmed (I took it seriously and not as a joke) but I just never understand how people could feel that bad about themself and/or the situation.

But now I do understand.

I had tried to cut myself before, way back, but I was so out of control and so emotional I didn't really do anything. I had scars but I never bled much. My family didn't notice then even though they must have seen. They choose to be oblivious. In my brothers words (funny what people won't say to your face but will when they think your sleeping) they 'can't understand, and don't want to either'.

A week ago I had had enough, I couldn't physically cry anymore and was just so calm but not, that I couldn't stand it anymore. I went to the bathroom and took one of my dad's disposable razors. I broke it and took the blades. I can't explain what I felt or why I did it but I cut and cut and cut until my wrist was a bloody mess. It made me feel calm and almost happy. I enjoyed the pain over the next couple of days of it healing, I don't know why. I don't really care, it makes me happy when I'm constantly not so I know I will probably do it again. Most probably after this. Nobody will notice even when I start wearing wrist bands that I hardly ever wear or don't go with anything I've got on.

I wore my wrist band under my watch for a week. I got out of bed one day and forgot I didn't have it on, they still didn't notice. Although I suspected that at least one of them noticed and chose to be oblivious when I thought they would be the one most likely to say something. Guess they really don't want to know me anymore. Nobody wants to deal with this and I understand (cos I'm not going to say I don't blame them) cos even I don't want to deal with this.

I tempted to go back to therapy again. But it didn't help the last time. If I go and spill my guts to someone and then nothing helps then that's it. I'll probably get sent to some mental health place and die there, slowly. So I guess my choice is to suffer in silence for however long I can take it. No one wants to know so why should I even bother trying to explain to them when they won't understand.

I'm not evem allowed to cry in the house, yeah. I think I'll keep this all to myself.
TurningBackTime11 TurningBackTime11
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 2, 2010

i feel ya.<br />
i cant cry anymore.<br />
it's terrible.<br />
i think, if i could cry, i prob wouldn't cut. but i cant, so i do.<br />
ugh<br />
bumsen mein leiben