4 Years Later.

I started cutting myself when i was in sixth grade, I remember because I had just got in  a huge fight with my parents and I had everything knocked down in my room and there was a piece of broken glass, & cut myself. that was the first time.
After that i cut for a year, secretly. because i thought i was wierd. Family stuff was very bad, fighting, hitting, screaming. & now i feel bad for telling so many people about it back then, but i soon learned my lesson. i didn't tell anyone anything. ever. especially after seventh grade where i also had a boyfriend who cut, and attempted suicide blaming it all on me. this made me want to cut even more. I should have gotten stitches..but I didn't and now i have huge deep thick scars. I stopped for a couple months then started again, worst i'd ever been. After that I stopped for about 5 months, and picked it back up again during freshmen year. and i hid it, wearing long sleeves during lacrosse and soccer on hot days. people thought i was crazy! but if they saw the cuts they would think i was even more crazy. Now I do it not just because I feel like I need to punish myself(which was the origninal reason..I'm not a good person..atleast I don't think so) It' more of a habit. an addiction, i just can't stop. I've attempted suicide, not good attempts, nothing worked. and it sucks..because most days i wish i finished the job. When my dad found out i was cutting..he laughed at me. & alot of kids know I used to do it, but now I'm in the "popular crowd" .. too bad if they really knew me they'd think i was crazy.
I have an undiagnosed mood disorder and have to take mood stabilizers. but sometimes it's better to be depressed than happy..it just takes so much energy and I just don't have that anymore. I'm going into sophmore year. and four years later my cuts are just as bad if not worse.
my whole left arm from wrist to elbow are the worst, there are over 100 scars. probably 80 % clearly noticable. I'm embarassed by them but there' snothing i can do about it. People have no idea i still do it. They have no idea about anything going on. So i hide new cuts, i pretend everything's alright now. but it's far from alright. I'm only 15 years old & I''m already so effed up. I know alot of people have it worse, and I'm not saying my life sucks. but it's just hard.
vch15 vch15
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 9, 2010

Hi there,<br />
<br />
I would like to use this post for my research. I could not message you directly so I do hope you get this comment.<br />
<br />
I recently posted a notice letting people know that I am conducting research on the communicative experiences of SI. The thesis involves me finding posts across the internet, which describe how a person reacted when they found out or were told by you about your self-injury, or experiences of hiding self-injury or wanting to tell somebody etc. I am researching the responses people give, and how a self-harmer felt about this reaction.<br />
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You do not have to actively participate in this study, but I do need to gain people's permission to use their posts if they consent. All you have to do is read the consent form and type in your avatar name (which will NOT be divulged to anyone) and send it back to me.<br />
<br />
If you do choose to allow your posts to be used, you will remain completely anonymous; pseudonyms will be used, and any personal details will be kept confidential, and this site will not be mentioned. <br />
<br />
If you do not consent to having your posts used in my thesis, they will not be used under any circumstances. For further information, please message me or email me; my email address and personal details cannot be sent on this message, so you can find any infor about me under "Missemonemo"; there is one story and it is listed there :)<br />
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Thank you so much for your time.

How could your dad laugh!? It sounds like you don't have a lot of support in your life right now. If your parents aren't helping maybe you could get counseling even if its just the school counselor. Talking about it helps.