I Hate to Admit It, But I'm a Cutter

When I opened up the window to write this entry, I laughed to myself when I saw the box "check if this entry contains content inappropriate for children under 18" because lately my whole life is inappropriate for children under 18.

Unlike a lot of people, I haven't been cutting for long, just recently.  The first time I cut was just about 2 years ago with a pretty pink Venus razor.  It didn't get serious until about a year ago when I realized that broken glass felt much better along my wrists that my razors did.  Every time I got drunk I would break a glass and cut.  Every time I argued with my dad I found something to break and drag across my wrist.  Every time my boyfriend ex-wife would be a **** (I'm sorry but that's the best world to describe her), I would break something and cut.  Before long, there was always a bandage on my left wrist (I'm right handed and always seem to cut my left wrist/arm) and I would be very careful not to roll up my sleeves at work.  I would lock myself in the bathroom, when my boyfriend and I would argue, and slice my arm with the razor blades that come with the foot callous thing and just watch myself bleed.  The cutting has always released all the pain that I've been feeling inside.  It's such a release.  And it feels so good.  I never thought that inflicting pain on myself could feel so damn good.

My cutting has gotten so bad that I've been in a partial hospitalization program the last 6 weeks.  I've been learning other ways to cope rather than cutting.  It's hard.  So hard.  When I see broken glass, I want to pick it up and cut myself.  It's amazing. 
brownie17 brownie17
22-25, F
1 Response Apr 5, 2007

i, like you, cut to release pain.<br />
i love the idea of getting my mind to focus on the physical pain instead of my emotional and mental pain that hurts more.<br />
the sight of my blood and that i did that to myself exhilerates me<br />
but unlike some here i regret it everytime i do it.<br />
im not as bad as some people here when it comes to cutting. i think you cut more than me. but i want you to know, that even though you dont think the people that love you know, they probably do- but are too scared to admit it or say anything. we all love you here, and even though i cut i know i want to stop. i think that you would want tostop to if you saw that it hurts people to see you hurt yourself. just from reading your experience i wanted to meet you so i could be there for you and listen like it seems so many people in your life must have forgot to do. we all love you here. and im here to talk anytime. i know how it feels to be different and alone. you think no one is out there. but youre wrong<br />
<br />
talk anytime youneed to