Once Again

So I started seeing a social worker. And after just once session I felt better. Someone was finally listening to me and understood what was happening. I didn't tell her about the cutting. I don't think I ever will. But someone did find out. I was out with my boyfriend and we were wrestling and my sleeves rode up. The horror in his voice as he said "what did you do to yourself?!" made me want to crawl in a hole and never come out. But even that and meeting with someone didn't help me for long.
I got home today with the intention of going to a carnival with some friends. I felt proud of myself that I was once again strong enough to go out and hang out with people. But then my dad had to do and ruin everything.
All I asked was if I could go out, and then he asked me if I had money and I said truthfully I didn't have any money in my wallet. Since he offered to give me money to go out to the movies last week I figured I would ask for some. Then he goes into a five minute rant about how I need to manage my money. Honestly after that I was just too tired to fight on.
This past week i'd been doing better but all of a sudden that was gone. I can't keep trying for things because I just can't fight on. I try and I try and sometimes it works. But other times I just get knocked down.
So I did what I hadn't done in a while. I took a pair of scissors and cut a long cut across my arm. My scars and cuts were fading but still didn't allow me to wear a short sleeved shirt. Then I really broke down.
I started bawling and shaking and needing to do something with all the pent up rage. But since I'm under house arrest on the weekdays I hadn't gone to karate in 3 weeks. I felt all the rage and anguish build up and build up. I ended up cutting myself twice. And I just lay there shaking, watching the blood drip down my arm. Finally feeling something, finally feeling like I had control over something.
So like a few weeks earlier I feel numb and just too tired to fight on. I probably won't kill myself but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.
It's time to go back to when I would wear long shirts in dark colors to cover the marks. Back to where I have a panic attack if I find myself without something covering my arms.
Today was a good day, I was high on life but then when I got home and my dad called I just couldn't be strong anymore....
vickyrocky5 vickyrocky5
18-21, F
May 4, 2012