So Messed In The Head

Just recently I started cutting myself on the upper part of my left leg and above my left breast. I don't cut anywhere visibly shown for the fear of scrutiny and I really don't want the attention being drawn to it. I don't even know why I started. Maybe out of curiosity mostly. To see why people do it and now I understand why it is hard for them to stop. I like doing it now. It almost feels like a routine I am creating. I am by no means wanting to kill myself, I just seriously like the feeling and the sight of my own blood. It is exhilarating for me and I like how it goes numb afterwards. I think I enjoy bringing pain to myself. I remember the first time I cut myself I just sat there and looked at my wounds and got this strange urge to want to smear it everywhere and so I did. I smeared my blood all over my leg and then onto my face and chest. I enjoyed being covered in my own blood. I actually want someone else to cut me and smear my blood on me. I hate admitting it but it kind of turns me on in a way. Maybe it is a strange fetish I have. I dunno. I should probably go and get help for it but for right now it is not a problem or hurting anyone else in anyway.
I also have found that knives are just not sharp enough no matter how much I sharpened them. I ended up tearing apart one of my shaving razors and using that. Cuts so much easier and brings about so much more blood.
22-25, F
2 Responses May 10, 2012

I've only intentionally cut myself like once or twice maybe, but I used to kinda self harm in a way with my old smoking habit. I knew it was bad for me, but I liked it, and I did it when I was depressed and stuff.<br />
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But there is a strange fetish I feel is rather common in people, myself included. Self pity might sort of describe it in a way. Suicidal thoughts is another way to describe it, but it's something when you feel miserable, and you feel like your life has taken a horrible turn or something, or that you are doomed, or that you are worthless, there is this fetish like desire to continue these horrible thoughts, to bring yourself lower and lower, to feed off the horrible emotions and emptiness it causes you, you want to continue these bad emotions and make them stronger, like sort of getting a high or a fetish like pleasure off of them. It's something I've been wanting to write about, to try to explain it in clear and lengthy language. Just haven't gotten around to doing it much yet.

Hey, it's your body, and to each their own. Just keep in mind, the scars will be there forever. Just means you might have to explain yourself sometime down the line. I think you have a different view on cutting than most do. You actually enjoy it or find it arousing, rather than using it as an escape or means of venting. That's a good thing. I'm not saying cutting is good, but at least you have positive reasoning. Like a drunk who likes to be drunk, rather than a drunk who's trying to escape reality. At least you're honest with yourself.