Confessions

(this might be long and boring being I have a few things on my mind right now (and my english might be a little fishy at times, sry) I just cut myself again, after swearing to myself that I wouldn't. I just can't stop. Well.. sometimes it can be enough to just press the knife to my wrist without cutting, but eventually I have to let the blade slide. I don't cut to get attention (which in a way makes it kind of weird writing this text, but it is really good to get it out, to let someone know without people really knowing). And I don't cut to kill myself. I cut to get some outlet for my feelings as I don't have lots of close friends i can share such matter with. I have friends, but boys and feelings.. you know. And I have to admit, it really helps me. I have talked to people, tried drinking, even some drugs, but the best way of relaxing my mind is cutting. I love the way my knife cuts through the surface of my skin, and the burning feeling it brings. Love to see the red blood come out, showing me where the blade cut. I have a special knife I use every time, which I bought for the purpose of cutting, and I am the only one who knows. First time I cut, I was about 19 years old or so, and I kept cutting for about 1,5 years until my family figured it out. They didn't make me do anything, just let me know they were there for me. I went to a psychiatrist, but he didn’t understand me at all, so I just went back to cutting and have done since. I don't do it every day, sometimes it can go a whole month between, but as I wrote, today I did. Don't know why, I just felt really down all of a sudden. (and that makes me feel bad sometimes, being I don't have a "real" reason for cutting as I see a lot of other people have. but then again, I might not be as strong as those people.. I don't know, just hope one of these cuts will be my last..)
thomasis thomasis
22-25, M
3 Responses Apr 15, 2007

Thank you for sharing your story I am trying to help my daughter and I am worried about her. I just want to support her and lover her.

i cut. i have kept myself from it for a year next month. i just didn't. now i want to again. my depression has gotten bad. i keep going further down as the days pass. i want to feel it. i want to see the blood run down my leg. i need to cut.

i want to start out by telling you 2 things, 1- i dont know 100% what youre going through, but i do know some and 2- i think its really brave for you just to write out your thoughts.<br />
depression is one of those things that even though millions of people go through, its never the same. i went through a time of depression and i turned to alcohol to numb my pain, but it never helped, it just covered up my unhappiness and when that wore off, i was back to where i started. for me the only way i over came my depression was to find happiness in myself, then to apply my attention o something that made me happy.... wetaher its a hobby, or work or school. honestly all i can tell you is to stay strong, and in a moment of weakness, when that time comes that you wan tto cut yourself, write about it first..let your anger out on paper, or over the internet...get some prespective.