Finally Admitting It

When I first came to terms with the fact that I am a cutter I started looking for things on the internet that would make me feel better. What exactly I was looking for, I have no idea. Something. Anything that made me not feel like such an outsider. My roomates are the only ones who have ever noticed anything. They confronted me twice....once when it "first" happened, and once about a year ago. They immediately overreacted and tried to get me to talk to a counselor. They cried and cried and said they felt like terrible friends. I know my roomates were just looking out for me, but I couldnt help but get angry. Why do people have to take problems that have nothing to do with them, and make it into some huge drama. This is about me. I have to deal with my stuff, my life, my problems....not anyone elses. I am a constant overachiever. I am getting ready to graduate college and am the person that everyone turns to for help and advice...and look at me. I cant even handle my own life. I dont think I am depressed. Not in the least. Generally I think I am a happy person. I have a lot of stuff to deal with, but I get by. I was voted Outstanding Student for my University....figures right? Bet the Presidents Cabinet has no idea they elected a bonified cutter for that award. I am not trying to pretend that my life is terrible. It wasnt. I was given the very best of things for the most part. My family has their share of problems, but whos doesnt. The worst part of this though...the part that I am having trouble with...is that I dont want to stop. I don't feel like what I am doing is wrong. I mean, the next day when my arms are all cut up and I am trying to hide the scars from friends, professors, and my boss..I feel ashamed and guilty. But when I get the urge to cut, I want to do it and I cant think of anything else. I could be in the Library, in a bar, at work, in class, in the office....it doesnt matter...if I get the urge, thats it. The urge to cut comes before anything else. Cutting is part of who I am. I do it to reeleave stress...to releave pressure...to escape from always having to be this person that I pretend to be when I am not. Ive won awards for this 'person'. This alter ego that I dont even know. Ive gotten jobs based on who 'she' is. But would colleges, jobs, award nominators, still look at me the same if they knew the truth? If they knew that this person that they have hired or befriended or trusted is not really the person they thought?
notalwayssunshine notalwayssunshine
22-25, F
May 1, 2007