Relapse

I used to cut for at least three years and I started when I was twelve. The reasons changed sometimes; sometimes all I feel is numb and cold and that rush of pain is like riding a high. Other times I am so full of darkness and anger and the deepest depression that the relief of letting it all wash away with the blood makes me feel so much lighter until I crave it again.

I felt so proud of myself; I haven't cut in at least two years; but I just couldn't help myself and now the self- hatred I feel after the relief just makes me want to cut again. talk about a vicious cycle. I went without it for so long and now I'm back to where I started.

It's the only time I feel like me though; it's the only time I feel whole and complete. The only time I'm not striving to be perfect because I will never be in my mother's eyes. I'm either too fat, or not smart enough, not responsible enough, not social enough, pretty enough just never.... quite enough for her. I need to stop but I don't know how; and I don't want to but I know I have to. I used to look at my scars and feel a sort of furtive joy; it was my special secret. And now I look and all I feel is shame and weakness; but I still miss it; does that make me crazy? I don't really know what I want and I can't deal with what I'm feeling.
mixedmedia123 mixedmedia123
18-21
Sep 10, 2012