At Least He Was Happy (relapse)

I was dating this guy last year. He was my first boyfriend. When he asked me out (over text), I was pumped.
Everything was great, I mean he loved me right? He told me every day. He'd put his hand around my waist and he would defend me against other suitors.
At the end of the year, we went to prom together. I bought his ticket.
Prom sucked, we both knew it. I promised I'd make it up to him, and I did.
I went to his place, and with no one around, I did things I'd never tell my daddy.
We didn't have sex though, not then, at least.
About two weeks later, I went to his house and we did the deed, as they say. It wasn't anything special. There were no candles, the lights were bright, and he didn't even bother to clean his room.
It was my first time, and he knew that. It wasn't his, though. He was a bit of a player, not a good one, mind you, but he got laid more than a lot of teenage boys, allegedly.
Anyway, we kissed each other goodbye, and I left.
Three days later, he messaged me on Facebook.
"I feel weird about our relationship"
I asked him how long he felt that way. He told me, "about a week or two" and he dumped me.
So while he was "feeling weird" about our relationship, knowing full well that he was going to end it, he convinced me to give away my virginity, he pretended he gave a **** just so he could get laid.
I got depressed. I started cutting again, after about 6 months of being unscarred.
I was doing so well, too. I hadn't even thought about cutting.
I finally stopped myself. I hadn't cut for another four months, until a few days ago.
The whole four months I craved the blade, and a few nights ago, I found my old friend, the Swiss Army knife.
I've only cut my right leg, I'm trying not to let the self inflicted disease spread anywhere else on my body, but the temptation is so great.
I'm afraid of what might happen this time, what if I go to deep, too often?
I'm not suicidal but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it.
I know I won't do it though. It's not because I'm afraid to die, because I'm not, I guess it just feels like defeat. Like everything bad in my life is winning my game.
I will not be defeated.
At least, I hope not.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 11, 2013

i fully understand. my cutting stems from the confusion, the lonesomeness after so long with being with someone you would do anything for. i don't know if this is like you but sometime even when i know it's not my fault and there was nothing wrong with me i still cut, not because i hate myself but because the emotional pain can be distracted with a simple cut and suddenly i feel relived (even if it's for that short moment) something to say ya you are a real person and snap out of it.