I Know Why But I NEED help...

I don't know what to do 
i'm scared and my tears are fought with a blade against my skin 
i don't know where else to turn and i'm to afraid of what other's might think 

once a relationship ends whether the person still cares about me or not i deal with my emotional pain by cutting myself, usually on the hip. this hasn't happened in every relationship i've been in but it has been in the ones where i don't know what went wrong. sometimes dealing with the confusion of what happened drives me to such a depressed state that i feel no way out and the pain from a cut seems to be the only thing that brings me back to reality.

i started doing this back in grade 10 and it has been on and off ever since. sometimes i can go a full year without feeling the need to but when the emotional pain of a breakup i can't help it. i am now in first year university, the last time i cut myself was end of the summer but now it hits me again. after the Christmas break out of no where the guy i was seeing wanted to just not be in a relationship anymore but he still wants to be with me... the confusion of where we stand is driving me crazy and the thought of fully losing him scares the crap out of me. we still talk everyday but have yet to sort everything out. he's not a terrible person but i'm just scared and depressed and have stated to cut again. but this time it's different i cut on my arm which to me was a big step but at the time i think nothing of it... i've lost my appetite and i can't be alone without feeling sad. i have the urge to cut again so instead i wrote this to see if the situation sounds less pathetic out of my head and to see if it would make me feel better but really it doesn't
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 11, 2013