Its Hard To Answer The Question "whats Wrong?" When Nothings Right.

I never really talk about my addiction to others, but i found how the stories you share. To begin, my prombles started when i was raped twice by the same man when i was 9 and 10 years old. (Dont pity me) Im trying to let that go. When i was 10 i first started banging my head against the wall. I couldnt take the images. When i was in the 7th grade it became worse as i found out i was bi-sexual. No body excepted me at school. When i came out to my bestfriend she told everone. That same day i went home and cut myself for the first time. For my first cut i never knew how much pressure you needed to push down. I wound up in the ER for cutting my vein. I later tried hanginh myself untill the point of where i can feel my self start to feel as if my soul is leaving my body. I then went into burning myself with a lighter.Over the years i have tried to overcome the cutting. Its harder then anything ive ever done. I later moved to a new place where people were more accpecting. I met an amazing doctor who saved my life many times. He was my therapist for 3 years and helped alot. But i was also diagnosed with manic depression, post matic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder. Ive been given lots of meds to help me, none have. So i struggle everday with my temptations. I went 8 months without cutting but then i moved. Thats the longest i have ever gone. But i started again 2 weeks ago. I do it on my legs now because of people always staring, but it really dosnt help when they stare at my scares.  Because of my personality disorder i have a codependency for my dog Sadies. I love her more then anything.Shes the reason why i havnt killed myself. And at points she has stoped me from cutting myself. When ever i get ready to cut myself i think to myself "if you die now your leaving sadies alone in this world without you" Sometimes it works. My doctor tells me all the time that its not heathy. But shes my life source. My new doctor is afarid for my life. He ask me the same question evertime i talk to him "What are you going to do when she dies?" And i give him the same answer evertime "I die with her" I wish i could be happy. I wish that i dont think about suicide all the time. I dont ever want to feel this way.  I have been hospital 8 times. Each one over long periods of time. In the hospital im around people with the same problems. But it feels like a prison. They keep you safe but make my temtations worse. Most of the time i feel alone in this ****** up world. I wouldnt wish these feelings on anyone. 
 


Love, meagan

meagantragedy meagantragedy
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 24, 2010

meagan i wont preach or give pity, only empathy. i cant say my situation is as bad as yours but the feelings can be seen as similiar. this is one way ****** up world but in the end leaving it doesnt always mean it will be better. i think we all have that one thing that keeps us holding on just long enough for us to snap back out of it. the truth is cutting or crying or suicidal attempts are exhausting...life is exhausting. but in all the misery we feel comfortable because it's who we are. maybe you cant change. your past and the present are you. but to be unhappy isnt going to hurt you anymore than you hurt yourself. you've got to hang on so you can savor those moments with sadies and hope that in the future you can free yourself. it can be so frustrating not to know anyone like you...to feel so different and alone. but we are here for you when you need it. not to complain or tell you you're wrong but to say hey i do it too. if you have a ****** day just let me know. im sure sadies would rather you complain to her or a friend than to hurt yourself...<br />
xo

Meagan,<br />
I am amazed with you! In a great way. You have more insight into your feelings than I do and I am twice your age. I have been in a similar place many times and sometimes I have no clue how I made it out. just when I gave up, someone reached in and pulled me out even if I was kicking and screaming. <br />
I am guess long story short, I am hoping something in you changes. I know where this goes. Mine went to the ER as a friend called 911. That was not fun. For 5 days I had someone with me all of the time. It has been a while since then, and I am still kicking. Most of the time I am glad something went wrong. Things, life, whatever you call them can change who we are. It is so hard to see yourself right now, all you see how how you feel. I understand the PTSD well. It is hard to live life wondering what horrid memory is going to remind you how bad things can go. There really is a part that survives everything. I don't want to say heal, but it adapts and even the worse can make you better. I know that sounds crazy, but so true. <br />
It drives me mad knowing I have the ability to touch one's heart but often I can't find the right words to tell you someone does care and would love to know you can get through this. Your words scare me, I remember them when I said them. My girlfriends at the time were not the healthiest I could have had. <br />
I was very lucky, I had a few friends that were there. I got so tired of being asked did you do anything today. The grabbing my arm to see if I would react. I was sly I thought, I did not bl<x>ink, but somehow they always knew. I hated them, but now years later and miles apart, I love them. I hope you have people like that. I hope they nag and annoy you everyday. Everyday you roll your eyes at them means you have made it another day. <br />
I really am hoping that someone can find the right combination of words that shows you there is something beyond the pain. I know this forever for a comment, and I could actually write another 20 pages if I thought for a minute it would you would read it all. <br />
If you need to talk mail please. If you need someone to ask you every day if you have cut, and if you are safe then please know I will be happy to. So many people do not make it from where you are... but they can. You can not choose the pain, but you can choose how you deal with it. I still fight the cutting everyday. I joined this place hoping to stay safe and maybe help some people just like me. I am not the brightest lol, but make no mistake, I fought hell and won (thus far lol) and I know how it feels. I also know that you can get through this, even if you can't see it now, you will if you keep fighting. Some days are harder, but you are worth every minute of that fight! <br />
<br />
Be safe for now, get to happy when you can.