It Never Ends...

like some screwed up nightmare it's not just once and done.  my messed up life comes back to haunt me right when im ready to try and live again.  it doesnt hurt anymore...and people know but i dont care and i dont care what happens to me and im tired of pretending i dont care and im tired of writing my sob story on here to people who dont know me.  but then again, noone really knows me and i hate it but at the same time i dont want them to know me. i dont wanna open up to anyone whether im right or wrong and im sick of covering up my emotions with drugs or alcohol. it doesnt work and i hate who i am when i do it but i also hate who i am when i dont.  i look at pictures of friends and experiences and i feel like i dont remember them or who i was when they happened and like i can never be helped.  and i still cant decide if i want help. and this cycle of wondering continues and noone realizes what goes through my head all day or what im really thinking when i smile.  noone stops and questions if im one of "those" people ya know?  i hate it. i hate it so much. i cannot express how much i hate everything so i cut. and it all just pours out. the blood is like all the words i cant say. all the things i cant exlpain dont matter anymore. its perfect. why did i ever stop...

kmng16 kmng16
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Wow. Everthing you said feels like as if i was saying it. I often feel the same way. The nightmares are always there, making sure to let you know that your ****** up. So i understand where your coming from, or atleast in my mind i do. Im sorry that you go through this. Its never something you would wish on even your worst enemy. I thank you for your words. I feel as though i can relate to you very much.

K;<br />
I am sure everyone here can relate. No one knows who we are, what we hide. I have learned they do know we hide things, they just lack the ability to place it. on the outside I appear to be the most outgoing and positive person. On the inside I am a small child so afraid of the world, I feel like I can't scream. <br />
Regardless, we are stuck in a place that would have been better if we never started on that path. In the end, we did. It changes our lives, our relationships, us, our friends, everyone. <br />
A very good friend of mine often refers to cutting as my addiction. It is. I love the control of everything, the release, the pain, and for me usually forgetting the past. <br />
So many people can understand. Some still cut, some have stopped. Amazingly, I would bet just about everyone that reads this post would agree, they don't want you to cut. We care for others and see their good. I had a friend corner me and ask me what is going on. They said I have not been myself for a long time. They never would have thought i could have a dark secret. You know what they did, listened. When I did not feel like i could talk, they asked questions. Some people do care, they want us to be ok. There are so many people that will help if you want them to, or for now, they can listen. <br />
If you need to talk, you have people that will listen. You can communicate your thoughts, you did just fine on this post. Drop us a line. Tell us what is going on. The more you do it, it becomes a bit easier. The more often might mean less cuts.